‘I don’t think she is.’ He checks his phone again and then turns it face down. ‘Distract me. Tell me what you’re doing tomorrow.’
‘Erm. Well. Due to his no-show, Iwon’tbe thinking about the terrible date I had tonight with Dougie, which is a plus. I’m going to get up late and go for brunch and then a walk with my old schoolfriend Holly who lives round the corner and then I’m going to my parents’ for dinner where my mother will light-heartedly except also very seriously grill me about my love life and I will grit my teeth and think how mortified she would be if she knew that I’d been stood up last night.’ Oh.Whoops. That wasn’t very cheery. ‘And I will bepleasedthat I’m single,’ I add carefully.
Tom laughs. A lot.
‘What?’ I pat my face. Do I have food hanging off it or something?
‘Sorry.’ He is literally holding his sides.
I start to laugh too, entirely because Tom is laughing.
Eventually we both stop.
‘Sorry,’ he says again. ‘It was just suddenlysofunny the way you’ve been tryingsohard to convince me that honestly it’sfine, in fact better than fine, it’sdesirableto be stood up by the woman you’ve thought about for years and years because actually who in their right minds wants romance, and then thefirstthing you said about your actual life was basically that your mother is going to nag you about not having a partner and you aren’t going to enjoy it.’
‘Well. I can’t believe that I’ve been laughing just because you were laughing when the premise of your amusement was actually wrong.’ I pick up my pen from where it’s still sitting on top of my notebook and point it at him triumphantly. ‘It is not that I want a partner, it’s that I don’t enjoy mymotherwanting me to have a partner. That is an entirely different thing. All I need is for my mother to think I’m with someone and I’m sorted. And then in a few years’ time for her to think I have children and again I’ll be sorted.’
‘Well, that shouldn’t be a problem. You just need to get yourself a fake partner and fake kids.’
‘Oh yes, easy. If I’m honest…’ It’s like all the caffeine I’ve had this evening is acting like a truth drug on me; I really don’t usually confide this much in people. ‘Sometimes I wonder whether I should ask Gina to be my fake girlfriend. But then I think that would be really complicated because my mum’s main stated reason for wanting to me to have a partner is that she’d like to be a grandmother so then I’d either have to lie about having a third-party male friend sperm donor, or I’d have to research fertility treatment, and then I’d have to tell proper lies rather than vaguely saying I was planning to try in due course.’
‘Wow.’ Tom’s tone is awed. ‘You’ve actually thought seriously about this, haven’t you?’
‘Nope, not at all,’ I lie.
‘Why not ask a male friend?’
‘I don’t have any single male friends I know well enough. My guy friends from uni and work are all partnered up now. When I think about it, the whole plus-one thing is one of the biggest reasons I’ve been on so many first dates. It would make lifesomuch easier to have someone to take to weddings, family barbecues, work things where you’re going to see an ex…’
‘Yes, tell me about it. I’ve been single for nine months now and that isdefinitelyone of the worst things. Especially once you hit thirty-five, as I did in April. You should hearmymother on the subject of biological clocks – in her words they tick for men too, not just women.’
We sit for a moment in silence, kind of mutually eye-rolling at the shitness of being nagged about singledom, and then Tom suddenly sits up straight.
‘I have an idea,’ he almost yells. ‘We can plus-oneeach other. Say we’re in the early stages of a relationship, nothing serious, so no-one’s asking us when-are-the-babies-coming questions. It doesn’t seem like we have any friends in common, so no-one will be able to catch us out.’
‘Oh my God,’ I say, awed. ‘You’re agenius.’
‘I know.’ He does a preening pout and a shoulder waggle, which makes me laugh. ‘So… let’s do it?’ He sticks his hand out and I shake it with no hesitation.
And there we go. We’re fake-plus-one partners. Which I think is the best dating decision I’ve made for years.
6
TOM
I leave Nadia’s shortly after our plus-one agreement (which was either pure genius or an incredibly stupid suggestion; I’m not sure which), because it’s quarter past two in the morning and Nadia’s hidden a yawn more than a couple of times, and she’s already gone massively above and beyond this evening for someone who only a few hours ago was a complete stranger.
‘Thank you again,’ I say as she opens her front door. ‘I’m genuinely feeling quite cheery, which is astonishing.’ I make a big effort and don’t actually say Lola’s name out loud; I’m aware that I might have sounded somewhat broken-record-like this evening.
‘I really hope that’s true,’ Nadia says.
‘I mean, of course it is,’ I say as jovially as I can. ‘Because we have our plus-one problems sorted.’
‘We do indeed.’ She grins at me and I grin back (Nadia’s smiles are infectious) and then we share a quick hug before I step outside her flat and she says, ‘Goodnight,’ and closes the door behind me and clinks some locks.
* * *
I decide to splash out on an Uber because I don’t think there’s an easy night bus route from Nadia’s to mine, and also I’ve had a shit evening.
