‘No, no, they’ll all be gone by the time I go to bed,’ I say happily. ‘It’s an amazing present.’ I’m already imagining myself chomping away. ‘You’re an excellent present buyer.’
‘I will accept that compliment. And I would like to make it very clear that the present was entirely separate from the big favour that I’m about to ask.’
‘Tom.’ I purposely widen my eyes and drop my jaw. ‘Were you trying tobuymy help?’
‘I was not. But I would say that if that’s what it takes I’m more than happy to buy as many jelly beans as you can eat.’
I shake my head. ‘I really don’t think any normal person could afford that.’
‘Okay,’ he amends, ‘I’m happy to buy a lot more jelly beans than youshouldeat but not as many as youcouldeat.’ He pauses. ‘Because I’m a little bit desperate. But also, obviously, please feel very free to say no. And I willstillfeel beholden to you just for having asked it, which I will bear in mind next time I pass a jelly bean shop.’
‘Okay, you have to tell me your request now. Your desperation’s making me a little nervous. And I’m obviously very happy if it results in more jelly beans.’ I’m presuming the favour is fake-girlfriend-related, and I’m not totally sure how I feel about that. On the one hand, there’s the whole lying to people thing. It’s horrible. And his family arelovely. But on the other hand it’s an excuse to spend more time with him and I’m really not averse to that I realise. Basically, I’m very conflicted.
‘It’s my grandmother’s ninetieth soon. She very specifically wants you there.’
‘Ohhhh.’ That’sbad.
‘Yeah. I had a panic and thought of a lot of different scenarios. One, tell her the truth now. The thing is, I can’t really do that. My family have been a bit worried about me on the romance front – for various reasons, well, one particular reason, a nasty break-up – and she specifically told me that she’s very relieved that I’ve finally met someone nice and she has high hopes for our future together and she’s so pleased that she doesn’t have to worry about me any more.’
‘Oh dear, that’s bad.’
‘Yep. So. Not keen on telling her the truth at this point. So the second option is you coming.’ He looks at me and I look back at him, keeping my expression as neutral as possible.
‘The thing about that…’ He pauses and looks almost as though he’s regrouping. ‘Well, the thing is that my family loved you. And they want the best for me. So… as it turns out… we weren’t just keeping them off my back, we were properly lying to them. And that’s awful.’
‘Yes, it is,’ I agree.
‘Oh.’ He says it as though he hadn’t realised that I would feel the same way. Which Iwouldfind insulting if it weren’t for the fact that I also hadn’t realised that he would be feeling the same way.
‘I feel the same about Marisa,’ I clarify, feeling a sudden need to make it very clear that I am also not someone wholikeslying to people they care about. ‘I don’t, if I’m honest, feel the same way about Sammy in particular.’
‘Fair enough. Total arse.’
‘Yes, he is,’ I say, pleased. ‘But anyway, everyone else – my actual friends at work – I hate lying to them. Marisa likes you. She’s pleased for me. And it’s awful. So I know exactly what you mean.’
‘Had you also in fact resolved to stop with the faking?’
‘Yes. I was thinking that we could grow apart while you were in Vegas.’
‘Am I still there?’
‘Yep. You aren’t supposed to be getting back until the end of the week but I’m thinking you might extend your stay because you like it so much and that might be my first inkling that we aren’t really meant to be.’
‘Nice,’ he says, in a congratulatory tone. ‘Hopefully we’ll be able to think of a way of us splitting up in due course that won’t upset my family too much.’
‘I think we’ll just have to fizzle out? That’s got to be the least upsetting way for everyone to hear about it. Just growing apart through circumstance.’
He nods. ‘You’re very wise.’
‘I’ve had alotof experience of failed relationships.’ I really don’t want to go to his grandmother’s ninetieth. It would feel awful. ‘So… what did we decide about your grandmother?’
‘Oh, yes, sorry. I think there might be a third and better option, which is you working abroad for a while like me going to Vegas, and sending birthday wishes from there so that it doesn’t just sound like an excuse.’
‘I like it. I like it a lot. Maybe I could make a birthday video.’
‘That’s a relief.’ Tom’s beaming at me. ‘And that’s a great idea. Maybe – and please do feel very free to say no – you could sing “Happy Birthday” in it.Verycheesy, I know, but my grandmother does love a singalong.’
‘“Happy Birthday” it is. Do you want to record it this evening? Maybe we’re having a meal out together the last evening before I leave. Where am I going to, do you think?’
