‘You’re all here as my guests because you’re very important to me and I’ve been through what can only be described as a very shitty experience followed by the realisation that I have wonderful people in my life who I’m very grateful for and who make me very happy. I’d like to thank all of you for beingyou, and I’d also like to make some specific thank yous.
‘Firstly, our wonderful Waterloo Five group. Guests of honour. Four strangers who were there when I found out what a dick Roger was, and who could have turned their backs on the screeching, blubbering wreck that I immediately became, but who instead helped me when I needed help the most, and basically adopted me and we became a kind of family. Bea and Ruth—’ she points at them and we all clap (and yes I do try out the wolf whistle that I have finally just learnt to do courtesy of my nephew and yes it is satisfying) ‘—had just got engaged and might have been expected to want some privacy. But not only did they look after me in that moment, they also insisted on the five of us going out for dinner.Andthey hosted me overnight – the night they got engaged.’
Everyone claps again, and then Carole moves on.
‘And then there’s Nadia.’ She points at me and, even though this is her party and Iabsolutelywant her to have a good time and say anything she likes, I don’t really, if I’m honest, want everyone here to know about my unfortunate dating history. And Carole is great, she really is, but you never entirely know what she’s going to say at any given moment. ‘She’d been stood up by the most stupid blind date ever because he hooked up with someone else the night before and forgot to tell her.’ Oh, okay, well there you go, yes, everyone knows now, but it could be worse, at least she didn’t say it was my seventh dating disaster in six months. Oh, God, I hope she isn’t going to.
Tom’s looking at me quite wide-eyed, and mouthsSorryin my direction. I nod a thank you.
‘Look at Nadia,’ Carole continues. Everyone was already looking at me. ‘She’s wonderful, beautiful, kind, funny. She pretended all the way through Bea and Ruth’s weddingnotto have a broken ankle and sang angelic karaoke while in terrible pain.’ She seems entirely unaware that Bea and Ruth are now looking quite shocked. ‘That blind date was anidiot. But I’m very grateful to him because his failure to turn up was our gain.’
Ithinkshe’s done. Thankgoodnessfor that.
Everyone claps and I decide to laugh because it’s my best option.
‘And finally Tom,’ Carole says when the claps have died down. Eek. I feel very selfish that I was concentrating on my own discomfort, because I’m guessing Tom isn’t going to enjoy this. I see him shift his weight between his feet and try to send him sympathy vibes. ‘Like Nadia, Tom was supposed to be meeting someone, a woman he made a ten-year pact with.’ As Carole smiles around the room, I glance at Tom, who’s standing motionless. Mentioning his pact with Lola issoembarrassing for him.
‘And again,’ Carole plunges on, ‘his date’s failure to turn up was our gain. Tom’s just as wonderful as Nadia, and we’re all the richer for knowing him. And I’d just like to say, for the record, that Tom and Nadia seem to get onverywell, so watch this space. Perhaps their dating disappointments will lead to future joy. Personally, I’m hoping for an invitation to their future wedding.’ She holds her glass up high, apparently oblivious to how Tom and I might feel right now. ‘A big toast to my four wonderful new friends, our Waterloo Five, and I hope we’ll remain friends forever.’
Tom’s smiling and toasting but his back is very rigid.
I’m not sure that he and I will in fact be remaining friends forever.
16
TOM
Carole is a force of nature. And she’s a very kind and generous woman. I’m pleased to know her.
I didn’t enjoy that Lola reference, though. And Ireallydidn’t enjoy that Nadia-and-me reference.
Anyway.
It was worse for Nadia really.
And it doesn’t matter.
With regard to Nadia, I doubt we’ll see each other again after this weekend.
And with regard to Lola, I should really have moved entirely on by now. It’s hard, though, when you aren’t sure exactly what happened and why. I haven’t made any attempt to find her, because she clearly just didn’t want to see me, and I have to accept that, but I still find it difficult not to think about her at times, and wonder.
Carole’s still talking, thanking people. There’s more toasting.
I tune back in.
Yep, it isn’t just Nadia and me she’s overshared about. To name but one fellow victim, a red-faced man named Barry has just recovered from a septic vasectomy that we now know all about.
Carole’s very open. It’s endearing. Lovely. Genuinely.
* * *
Eventually, Carole finishes her speech. ‘And now I want everyone to party like there’s no tomorrow. Starting by downing alotof cocktails.’
Everyone cheers, we all toast again, and then, basically, we’re off.
And when I say we’re off, we really are.
It’s like the mood in the room immediately changes. There’s a near charge on the bar as everyone clearly decides that they need to take Carole’s last words extremely literally.
