‘Fuckinghell,’ I say right into the TV camera as I climb out.
‘Howwasit?’ asks one of the other women participants whose name I haven’t yet caught, because we’ve barely been introduced; they’re trying to keep us apart as much as possible apparently, so that we all focus fully on our partner. ‘Are you a convert? Do you feel amazing?’
I just stand there for a few seconds, trying to work out how I feel.
‘I think Idofeel good,’ I tell the woman. ‘But mainly because I’mout. I don’t feel good enough to make up for having to do it in the first place. Plus, now I know what it’s like, the anticipation would make me feel as bad beforehand as the endorphin rush afterwards, so basically, no, I am not a convert.’
She laughs, and then we all turn round because it’s Jake’s turn.
I have to say: wearing a water-soaked T-shirt does suit a man with a very toned torso. It’s just a fact. Like appreciating a great work of art by an amazing painter, you can’t reallynotappreciate Jake’s physique. Not in an attracted-to-him way (clearly I amnotattracted to him), just in an ‘oh wow yes that’s a great painting or great sculpture’ kind of way.
Taking an ice bath suits Jake in more than one way. He looks perfectly happy while he’s doing it – very cool.
When he gets out, he’s grinning and he does not swear into a camera in a manner that the producers obviouslywilldecide to broadcast on national television; he just laughs and agrees that, yeah, you do feel good afterwards.
I’ve been out for several minutes now and I do not feel on any kind of particular high and I fully remember how much I did not like it, and I will not be doing it again. End of.
‘You were amazing,’ gushes the woman I spoke to before.
‘Ha,’ says Jake. ‘I don’t think there’s any particular life skill involved in not flinching during or after a cold bath; probably more that I’m too lazy to twitch.’
‘Adorable,’ the woman says.
I try hard not to roll my eyes. It’s ridiculous the effect Jake has on people.
Sonja is clapping her hands. ‘Time for lunch before our reptile experience,’ she tells us.
I’m not going to think about the reptile thing, I’m just going to focus on the fact that I’mreallylooking forward to lunch; assault courses and ice baths make you hungry, it turns out. Hopefully they’ll have laid on something nice for us as a reward.
Nope. Of course they haven’t. Except, I do actually think I’m going to enjoy this.
‘Lunch is a MasterChef-style challenge,’ Sonja tells us. ‘We’re all going to a large kitchen where we have a worktop for each team and you’ll all have the same twenty ingredients, not all of which you have to use, and you’ll be competing to make the best meal and also to showcase the best teamwork. Two-thirds of the marks will be for the food, including taste, presentation and skill level, and one-third for teamwork.’
‘Couldn’t get more clichéd if they tried,’ Jake says in my ear as the host draws breath.
‘Sounds like fun, though.’ Ilovecooking and Iloveopening a fridge and making whatever I can from the ingredients in there.
‘The winners will get to make dessert for everyone and the losers will do an ice bath,’ the host continues.
‘I mean, I’d rather do the ice bath,’ Jake says.
‘Okay, this is theonlypart of the weekend that’s going to be fun for me,’ I say, alarmed. ‘Youhaveto try hard. I don’t want to do another ice batheverand I’d love to make dessert for everyone.’
Jake does a very dramatic whole-body sigh while rolling his eyes and then says, ‘Fine. I’ll do my best.’ He looks at me. ‘Do you cook a lot?’
‘Yep. Do you?’
‘Basically never.’ He screws up his face, as though he’s in pain, which – ridiculously – just makes him look very handsome in a different way from normal, rather than weird, like anyone else would if they did that. ‘I might have to take your instructions.’
‘Ha,really?’ I’m delighted. ‘Finally I have you at my mercy.’
‘I mean, not fully. Or not at all, really. Given my preference for an ice bath over baking.’
I raise my eyebrows very sternly.
‘Yeah, no, fine, I will do my best,’ he says.
‘And do exactly as you’re told?’
