‘I think we played very well to our individual strengths,’ I say for the observer’s benefit.
‘Two minutes to go,’ announces Sonja. ‘Plating up time.’
‘Okay, I genuinely think I can competently ladle risotto onto a plate,’ I tell Freya.
She gives me a look.
I nod. ‘Okay, yeah, no ladling. Just tell me what to do.’
In the end, I hold the large pan that she cooked the risotto in while she very carefully spoons it onto a flat bowl and sprinkles herbs (maybe parsley; I’m really not sure – green, anyway) over the top, and then I watch while she arranges the salad on a plate, and places both the bowl and the plate onto a tray.
‘Why don’t you carry the tray?’ she suggests.
‘Very happy to,’ I say, aiming to sound like the happiest teammate ever.
Looking around at the other participants, I see that the pair that includes the professional chef (Fred and Suzanne) have produced a very cheffy-looking dish. Of the others, I’d say that ours definitely looks the best.
‘Now.’ Sonja looks directly into one of the TV cameras. ‘Our competitors don’t know this but we have three very famous judges to taste our dishes.’ She puts her arm out to the side and three people troop out from a door in the side of the tent.
A hum of chatter begins from around the tent, because, yes, they are famous.
One is a chef who I vaguely recognise and who Freya tells me is a judge onMasterChef: The Professionals.
One is a woman who Freya tells me is one of the regularBritish Bake Offjudges.
And one is a (very well-known apparently) comedian who I do not know.
They all say that they’re incredibly excited to be tasting our food.
They don’t look particularly excited; clearly the production company has paid them well for this and that is the only reason that they’re here.
Freya’s practically hopping on the spot as our (her) food is tasted, as though she can’t bear the anticipation.
The chef judge, who has been appointed spokesperson for the three of them, tells us that, while it’s a little simpler than one or two of the other dishes, it did require some skill and, importantly, it’s been executed and seasoned to perfection and we should be very proud of ourselves. We also, apparently, plated it up perfectly.
Freya shifts from foot to foot some more as they deliberate about how many marks they’re going to give us and then just beams when we’re told that we have the second highest mark for both skill and presentation and joint highest for taste, with Fred and Suzanne overall winners.
‘And now to teamwork.’ Sonja waves her clipboard at us. ‘As you know, we observed you all closely throughout. There was one team, we noticed, where one of the pair did not cook a single thing. He basically just washed vegetables and tidied and carried things when asked.’
‘Oh fuck,’ Freya breathes. ‘That’s us. We’re in those baths again.’
‘I’m going to give that team their mark last.’ Sonja smiles directly at us. It’s always a little alarming when she does that. We both smile weakly back. I’m feeling genuinely sorry for Freya at this point.
The other teams get quite varying marks for teamwork. Crucially, the ones with the worst food had the best teamwork, and Sonja announces that, once the overall scores are totted up, the ice bath situation entirely depends onourteamwork mark.
‘I refer you to my earlier remarks about this team.’ She smiles directly into the camera again. ‘So, if you remember, this pair displayed very differing skill levels. And, arguably, enthusiasm levels.’
Next to me Freya heaves a big sigh as Sonja smiles at us and looks round the room.
‘However,’ Sonja continues, ‘what we all thought was great was the way Freya and Jake did work together. Freya – while clearly desperate not to do another ice bath – did her best to take the time to involve Jake so he wouldn’t feel sidelined. And Jake – who in his day job is a senior lawyer who we don’t believe gets asked to wash courgettes very often – did all that was asked of him with a good grace. And where itwaspossible to work together, during the plating up for example, they did so very well. It was a triumph in terms of a lesson in teamwork. Full marks.’
‘Oh mygoodness,’ squeals Freya. ‘No ice bath.’
‘And,’ says Sonja, ‘you’ll be baking dessert for us all after discussions with our judges.’
‘Oh my goodness, thank you, thank you, thank you.’ Freya’s squealing even more, and I’m laughing because it’s cute how excited she is.
‘We’ll discuss the dessert-baking now for fifteen minutes, before the ice baths and then the reptile show, after which Jake and Freya will bake and everyone else will go to the sauna.’
