Jake steps away from me immediately and says, ‘Are you okay?’
‘Yes, great. Except… I… There’s something I need to say.’
He takes a step backwards. ‘Of course. Inside?’
I look around. Yes, I think it would be better to be somewhere less noisy and busy. I nod.
We go inside in silence and head for the bar.
I have my phone ready to pay before we’ve even placed our order, and shake my head when Jake suggests that he pay,before immediately regretting it, because I don’t want this to look like apitydrink. No, I decide, I’m overthinking things. It’sfine. It doesn’t matter who buys the drinks.
We find a table in a corner, and sit down.
Jake is clearly waiting for me to speak, and expecting what I say to be something of note, because there’s none of the chat we had all weekend whenever we were together.
So I’m just going to say it.
‘I thought I should say straightaway,’ I say, ‘that I’m not looking for a relationship. At all. Because I don’t want to start anything that I know will end. And all my relationships do end, so I don’t ever want to start anything that could get serious from my side. And I’m not sure that I’m someone who can keep on having sex with someone without developing some feelings. And were you to develop feelings I wouldn’t want to hurt you. And therefore I don’t want to…doanything again.’
‘Of course,’ Jake says immediately. Then he sits and thinks for a moment, his expression very serious. ‘Obviously please don’t feel you have to answer, but could I ask why? Not why you don’t want to do anything with me. Obviously that’s your prerogative and entirely understandable. But why do you think any relationship you start will definitely end?’
‘Because relationships are not for me.’
‘Is there… a reason that you think that?’
‘Kind of.’ I do feel that I owe him some kind of explanation. ‘It’s a lifelong thing, really.’
Jake nods slowly, studying me intently, and suddenly it isn’t just that I feel I owe him an explanation, it’s that Iwantto tell him.
‘As I mentioned in Devon, my parents got divorced when I was twelve. They hated each other and they didn’t seem to love me very much; they weren’t really arguing over whogotcustody so much as whodidn’tget custody. They both had alotof relationships after the divorce, and they were all disastrous. My father was unhappily single when he died, and my mother’s unhappily single now. So, you know, it’s probably a genetic thing. And I amreallybad at romance. Itreallyisn’t for me.’ I pause and take a drink.
‘Again, I’m so sorry about your parents.’
‘Yep, thank you.’ I’m very used to people saying they’re sorry about my parents. They were objectively not great parents to me. Although they weren’tterrible. And now I’ve lost my father. ‘They did have some good points. Like, when I used to visit my dad – not that often because he frequently triumphantly played the I-have-to-travel-for-work card – he would, once I was there, remember that he did love me and enjoy my company and we’d have a lot of fun together, and when I left he would wave and wave until my train was out of sight. And my mum is very interested in my life and proud of my successes and supportive whenever I have failures. And a great baker. Itreallywasn’t all bad. They were both just terrible at relationships. As am I.’
‘What makes you thinkyou’reterrible at relationships?’
‘Well. I used to think there must be someone out there for me and that I’d like to meet him. But there isn’t. I’ve been on alotof dates, with alotof very different men, and I mean—’ I shake my head ‘—as a romance writer I know my tropes and over the years I’ve encountered pretty muchallof them, and every single relationship that I’ve had, short and long, has ended in failure. It’s me. They just all end. Clearly it’s something about me, like there’s something about my parents. Obviously I’ve been hurt and miserable at times, and I don’t like to upset other people, so now I’m just not doing serious romance, and I’m always very transparent about that if I meet someone and we get on and go on a few dates. I’m only up for something casual.’
Basically, I’m not lovable and I don’t think I’m capable of loving properly either. I can’t say that out loud quite so baldly to Jake, though. It’s like I can’t admit it in such basic terms.
He shakes his head. ‘You know, I feel really angry with the people who’ve made you feel this way. It isn’t about you, it’s about them.’
I shake my own head. Jake is wrong. There’s very clearly a common thread and I am that thread.
‘Look at me,’ Jake continues. ‘I’ve been married and it was a disaster. When my ex-wife left me she cited one of your books and said that I didn’t match up to the hero. I mean, that’sridiculous. My actual wife left me for a fictional hero.’
‘You’re better than any hero I’ve ever written.’
‘Well, thank you, but that isn’t true. I’ve read your heroes and they aregreat. But my point is…’ He pauses for a moment and frowns, clearly having confused himself.
I wait.
He recovers and nods. ‘My point is that my marriage just wasn’t right. It was both of us. Well, and the fact that she was sleeping with her tennis coach, which I found out afterwards.’
‘It wasn’t my books then, was it, you muppet. It was that she was having anaffair.’
‘But did she have that affairbecauseof your books?’
