There are also already actual memes of us, and apparently (according to my friend Affan) they’re multiplying by the literal second.
I don’t do social media at all; it’s a whole other world that operates in complete parallel to my – real-life – world. It’s odd to think that without anyone telling me, all of this could have been happening online without me ever having found out, just passed me by. It has not passed a lot of people by, though. It’s crazy.
Yeah. Wow, basically.
I send brief replies to everyone who’s messaged me (no small job), before getting changed for the gym. Hopefully this will all have blown over in a couple of hours’ time.
Nope, I discover when I emerge from the gym. That was total social media naivety. I have a lot more messages, many of them from people I haven’t heard from in quite a while, some of whom should surely not even have my number. It seems like everyone I’ve ever met has seen the clips. Freya and I have ‘gone massively viral’ in the words of my cousin’s thirteen-year-old daughter.
I really have no way to respond other than to hunker down – sparing the odd brief thought for Freya and wondering whethershe’s experiencing the same – andnotgo for a pint this evening after all. We can go tomorrow; this is bound to blow over soon, I’m sure. Another five-second wonder story will come along.
My phoneisa lot quieter in the morning; it seems that everyone saw the clips yesterday and it’s already blowing over. Good news.
If I had Freya’s number, I think, as I grab a bagel and a banana from my kitchen on my way out for work, I’d almost be tempted to text her to see how she is. I can’t imagine she’s experienced something like this before either; if she weren’t one of the most annoying people I’ve ever met, I’d quite like to discuss our mutual weird experience with her.
Fortunately, I obviously don’t have her number, so I can’t message her. And that’s that. I’m off to work and by the end of the day this will all just be an anecdote for future dinner parties.
Except.
Mid-morning, Veronica, my PA, tells me she has a Very Important Caller on the line. She’s behaving a little oddly, if I’m honest. Eyes rounded, almost popping out of her head, and mouthing something indecipherable at me. She’s been working for me for over two years andneverin that time has she referred to someone as a ‘very important caller’. Even when the callersarevery important. I’m wondering if the caller isroyalty. (Veronica is an ardent royalist.) Is this breaking news? Another royal divorce?
Oh. As soon as she puts the caller through I realise what has happened. It’s bloody Sonja.
She sounds a little breathless.
‘Jake. I only have a minute while the ads are on. I know that Freya’s on board. Your chemistry together. The way you argued. Viral. It was already kicking off evenasyou were on yesterday. We’d love to set the two of you a challenge and then have you back on the show.’
‘No,’ I say immediately. I’m not stupid; lesson learnt.
‘Jake, darling, I know you’ll agree. We’ll meet for a drink later to discuss.’
And then she’s gone.
She’s as crazy as the whole viral thing. I will not be meeting her for a drink.
Except (again)…
She messages me during what I’m guessing is the next ad break. It seems that she isn’t above a bit of outright blackmail.
She’s suggesting (commanding) that the three of us get together this evening in the bar at the Savoy to hammer out the details of our challenge. (What does she mean bychallenge?) And she says:
Don’t forget that millions of people have seen the clip of the two of you, and some of those are prospective clients, or the friends of prospective clients (it’s a small world). Did I tell you that my friend Laura Darke mentioned you the other day and is planning to get in touch?
Right.
Laura Darke was one half of Britain’s now-ex-favourite TV couple before they announced they were having difficulties in their marriage. I would very much like to represent Laura in the divorce that the nation knows is coming.
I stare at my phone and shake my head as I think.
Sonja is a sneaky woman.
Laura Darke. I wouldreallylike to represent her.
It’s very likely that Sonja knows her. So it seems quite possible that whether or not I agree to meet her and Freya for a drink this evening could influence whether or not I get to work with Laura.
Fine.Fine. I’ll meet them. I will not, however, be participating in any kind of a challenge.
5
