The corner of his eyes twitched, he didn’t like being called out. “I understand how it could feel that way.”
“Feelings are subjective. It’s not a feeling when it’s backed by truth.”
“I never expected Matt to bring up LA.”
A sputtering laugh almost choked me. “I’m sure you didn’t.”
“It was a conversation I had every intention of having. But Christmas with my family didn’t feel like the right time.”
“What about any of the other days before that? Was that all bad timing too?”
“I’m not trying to excuse my fuck up. I should’ve told you the minute I knew I wanted more.”
“Then why didn’t you?”
“Because I was afraid you’d pump the brakes. New relationships are hard without the complication of distance. I hoped that if you got a chance to get to know me, when I had to leave, you’d trust my intentions were sincere.”
I shifted my weight from one foot to the other. If he’d led with him moving in a month, that would’ve been a non-starter for me and I would never have gotten to experience this kind, smart, and funny man. “You wanted a chance to explain, so explain. Why are you moving to California?”
“First off I’m not moving to California. But I do have a long-term project in LA that will demand a lot of my time.”
“And the open-ended plane ticket to Los Angeles? Were you hoping I’d abandoned everything and Celeste to be with you?”
There was a stubborn tilt to his jaw. “Are you going to let me explain, or are you just going to accuse me of shit?”
I tossed my hands into the air, feeling hopeless. “I told you we weren’t compatible. I told you we didn’t want the same things.” If he’d just listened. Shoot if I’d listened to the little voice in the back of my head warning me Kris had itchy feet and eventually he’d want to move on to the next adventure. This was supposed to be a fling, not some sappy Hallmark love story.
“All indications have proven that to be a lie.” A hint of a smile shadowed his features. “You and I fit. As hard as you tried to fight it … we just do.”
Since my mother’s passing, all I ever wanted was to belong. I’d always felt like an outsider. I didn’t have a mom who could teach me how to apply eyeshadow so that I didn’t look like a raccoon and I had to talk about boys with my dad. Don’t get me wrong, he was great, but there was still a void he couldn’t fill. And then when he died the void grew bigger into a damn near bottomless pit.
I filled that pit with work, volunteering, busy tasks that kept my mind occupied. But without fail, from November twenty-fourth to January first, the loneliness was so pronounced all I could muster was going through the motions. Moving through the days and weeks, but not truly living. All that changed because Kris made me feel again and made me yearn for connections bigger than just Celeste and I. The thought of having that all snatched away left me cold.
I took a deep breath, it was now or never. If I wanted any type of closure, I had to be honest about where I saw this relationship going. “The brief time I got to spend with your family … to be with a family who genuinely loves one another. The inside jokes, the routine, the sibling fighting, this was the best Christmas I’ve had in a long while. And getting to know your family allowed me to understand you better and I’m thankful for that. I want to be with you Kris … in Minneapolis. I’m tied to that city. That’s my home.”
“I want that too. Whether it be Minneapolis one month or California the next.”
“Are you suggesting a long-distance relationship?”
“Yes and no.”
I massaged the bridge of my nose. “Could you stop talking in gotdamn riddles and rhymes?”
Kris nodded and his next words matched the urgency of the moment. “It’s a temporary change of address. I’ll be calling both cities home for the next year. I’ve been planning on building a youth center focused on STEM. It’s something I’m passionate about. And I think all kids should have access to education outside of the traditional reading, writing, and arithmetic.” He claimed my hand, giving it a squeeze before pulling me slightly closer. “I want to give back and to get this project off the ground, I need to be visible in the city … make myself a fixture.”
His goal was admirable. I knew how beneficial programs like that could be. Celeste was living proof. My heart swelled at the thought of him being able to do something that clearly meant so much to him. And maybe if it was a different point in time or I was a less jaded person, we could make this work.
“Three months, a year, forever. Doesn’t matter, I don’t do long distance, it never works.”
Kris stared at the Christmas tree, and it reminded me of our first meeting at a tree similar to this, back then we were strangers. Weeks had passed and although we knew each other so much better, we were still at odds. He scrubbed his face several times while I looked on, part of me hoping he’d tell me I was wrong. That we could beat the odds.
“I’m sorry you’ve been hurt because of me. I hope you know that’s the last thing I’d ever want to do. I should have told you sooner and frankly, it was selfish of me not to because I was afraid of losing you. But for all my good intentions, we’ve ended right in the place I was hoping to avoid.”
Was I okay with losing Kris?With never having him in my life, even if that meant we were only friends. I didn’t get many opportunities to share myself and life with someone new. There weren’t many people I cared to get to know deeper. Kris was an exception and these past few weeks with him had been exceptional.
Kris continued to talk to the twinkling tree in front of us, unable to meet my eyes. Was his chest just as heavy as mine? Did his throat constrict and feel raw with emotion that crept upward? “I don’t want to persuade you to give this a shot. I want you to want this because you want me. One thing love isn’t is convenient. It never comes at the right time and more often than not it ends too soon. But like I said weeks ago, the time I’ve spent loving you was worth it. I’d do it all over again even if it meant it ended here every single time.”
I wouldn’t change a thing either. Getting to know Kris had been such a pleasant surprise in a life, that before him, had been routine and predictable. This relationship, no matter how brief, changed me and taught me that taking a chance could lead to new adventures.
