“Really?” I hoped my tone came off as nonchalant and not slightly interested. Parties were usually off limits for that very reason. I wasn’t anti-social; I was a drug addict and places like this made me want to use. While Danessa told me a story about the ride to the party. My mind tried to calculate how I could discreetly excuse myself so I could head upstairs. I just needed a pill to take the edge off.
The thing about being an addict was it was a lifelong condition. For the rest of my life, I would have to choose sobriety. If for one minute I thought I was smarter and stronger than the addiction I was toast. Relapsing was a real possibility, especially if I kept putting myself in situations like this.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”
“Because you’re sweating profusely.”
I mopped my brow, which was dotted with perspiration. “I just need some fresh air.”
“We’re outside.” She tilted her head examining my features, which only made me sweat more.
“Fresher, less congested air.”
“Do you want company?”
“Yeah.” Danessa followed me through the yard and out a side gate. “Better?
“Uh-huh.” I took several deep breaths. My heart was trying to bust through my chest and my skin felt like it was infested by ants.
“Anxiety?”
“Something like that.” I sucked in rapid, stuttered breaths.
“Just close your eyes and count backwards from ten.”
“No, I’m good.”
She claimed my clammy hands and it did nothing but disrupt my nervous system further. “Close your eyes.” I did as I was told. “Ten.”
I hated myself.
“Nine.”
I was never going to be normal.
“Eight … seven.”
I was no better than my father.
“Six … five.”
I should call Pete.
“Four.”
Was it always going to be this hard?
“Three … Two … One.”
Opening my eyes, Danessa greeted me with a reassuring smile. “It happens to the best of us. I was in Whole Foods a few months ago and broke out into a cold sweat. My cart was full, but for some reason the thought of being in the store one minute longer wigged me out.”
“What caused it?”
“Stress, life, too many people. I don’t really know.”
“I think for me, it’s trying to solve problems that haven’t even presented themselves yet.”
