ELEVEN
Liam
I knew the chances of things going the way I wanted them to were slim, so you’d think I’d be ready for when she told me she was with someone else.Nope. The only thing I know for certain is I’ll never be ready to hear those words. Not in my fucking lifetime. Her words acted like stray pieces of shrapnel, embedding themselves deeply in my psyche forever.
I can’t get my hands to stop shaking as I take the business card she gave me and slip it into the bill fold of my wallet.She wants me to terminate my parental rights?Again, not in my fucking lifetime.Never.
I know what I need to do, but I can’t. Not yet.
Instead, I stand in front of her car for several minutes, unmoving.Her car, a new SUV, already with a carseat in the back. Just one decision of many she’s probably made in my absence. The realization kills me. She’s already dropped me from the roster, removed me from the decision making list, and replaced me with somebody else. Didhehelp her pick out a newcar? Do they live together? Is that why she moved? Does he go to all the doctors appointments?
The last thought eviscerates me. My heart’s pounding so hard I can feel every vein in my body throb, each beat a painful reminder that it’s alone. The one it beats for is lost to me…maybe forever.
As painful as it is, I admit defeat and start the arduous task of moving through lifewithoutBritain. Putting one unsteady foot in front of the other, one at a time. I step back into the cafe to gather my stuff, but as soon as I open the door, every pair of eyes lands on me with one set standing out above the rest.Jess. Her and her vicious glare move towards me in a menacing manner.
“What’s your phone number and address?” Britain’s guard asks with all the friendliness of a hungry momma bear complete with a baby bear perched on her hip.
“Uh, sure, let me just write it down for you.” I head towards the counter for a pen and piece of paper from the receipt printer while my death by a thousand glares continues. The girls don’t say a single word to me, and Sandy only gives a sympathetic sigh before shaking her head in disappointment. I quickly jot down the information as the urgent need to leave ramps up. The cafe is starting to feel suffocating.I have to get the fuck out of here.
I hurriedly hand over the slip of paper to the dark-haired woman and say, “I’ll pack everything up. If you want, I can drop it off and save you a trip up the mountain.”
“No,” she says as she stares at me harshly. “Britain deserves her privacy. I’ll come get it. What time?” Right, they don’t want me to know where she lives. That’s where we’re at.
“Anytime. I’ll be home.” I can’t exactly go into work, and I’ve got no life.Where the fuck else would I be?She just nods curtly at me, and I swear the baby mimics her actions. Even babies fucking hate me.Unbe-fucking-lievable.“It’s Jess, right?” She just nods once. “Right, I’m sorry to finally meet you like this, butfor what it’s worth, I never wanted to hurt her, and I’ll never stop loving her.” I drop my head to hide the tears as I pick up my newspaper and coffee cup, needing to be anywhere but here.
“It’s not worth much, but I know,” Jess says, then turns around and walks away from me, and I don’t know whether I’m glad or sad. She knows I love Britain and I wouldn’t want to hurt her, but it means nothing. I’ve proven to Britain that I’m just like the rest. Like her dad, like Matt, like her ex — I’m just another Walkaway Joe.
Britain
Damian’s hand moves up and starts stroking my hair softly as he says to me, in his low voice, “I know you don’t want to talk about it with me, but I do feel like it’s worth saying, I never saw you like this after I left…”
I roll my eyes because talking to my ex husband about the guy I’m still desperately in love with sounds like my idea of hell, but there’s the other part of me that knows he’s right. I’ve never felt like this about anyone, and never acted this way either. Not during, and not after. It only hurts this badnowbecause itwasso good.
I think about Matthias, and what it was like when he dumped me, but I’m coming up empty. I can barely remember how I used to feel before Liam. Like he took up so much of my consciousness, I had no choice but to let go of the old memories, the ones I had no use for anymore. Damian’s right that it was never like this when he left me, because I never loved Damian like I love Liam.Like I love Liam, not past tense.
Damian keeps going when I don’t respond, “And I know it’s not my place to say, but I don’t think jumping into another relationship is the right thing to do, Brit.” I instantly feel ashamed. Of course I shouldn’t be throwing myself into another relationship right on the back of this horrendous mess. But at the same time, what do I have to lose? My self-respect?Practically non-existent.My reputation?Also, gone.I’m an unwed woman who got knocked up after being with her boyfriend for a month. And at this point, what’s another broken heart? And why the fuck does Damian think he can givemeany sort of unsolicited advice?All this, coming from the man who literally jumped from our bed to another is bull.
I pull out of his embrace before speaking. “Damian, you have absolutely no right to make that kind of assessment or pass any judgment on me after everything you’ve done.You left me. You don’t get to keep making me feel bad about how I live my life anymore.”
He reaches out, bracing both hands on my shoulders. “I am not judging you. And you’re right that I don’t have any right to say this. I’m just letting you know that one of my biggest regrets is going straight to Summer after us.”I don’t think he can technically say that since he went to Summer before “us” even ended, but okay…“I just wish I would’ve done it differently, that's all. And I just thought I’d give you the advice I wish someone would’ve given me.” I’m a little taken aback.
“I thought you and Summer were doing great, really happy, headed to the altar, no?”
“She’s not you, Brit.” He gives me a half smile, and his one-sided dimple becomes visible. He shrugs, “But also, I’m nothim,” then nods behind me at the Range Rover that’s just pulled out onto the highway. The one day I’m distracted by Eden and fail to scope out the parking lot is the day he comes home.Ofcourse.I have the rest of my life to think about that, though. Damian is here with me now.
“Damian…I never wanted you to leave.”
“No, but I couldn’t stay. We both know that, Brit.” He says as he wipes a stray tear off my cheek with his thumb. “We both want something the other can’t offer. Doesn’t mean I’ve stopped loving you or wanting you in my life.” I nod silently, his words ringing true. I still want Damian in my life, too. But him and I romantically together just don’t work.
I laugh softly. “So is this the beginning of a beautiful friendship, Damian?” And he laughs, too.
“Sure is, sweetheart.” Using the sleeve of his shirt, he dries my tears then drapes an arm around my shoulder, tugging me to walk with him back into the cafe. “Alright, what’s the pregnant woman’s equivalent of getting drunk?” I laugh at his question.
“Umm, tacos? Better yet, all-you-can-eat guac! Or…” I rack my brain, “Oh, I know! A second cup of coffee.”
“Done, we’re getting you a second cup of full-caff coffee and then I’m finding you the best tacos in the valley for dinner tonight.” I pull him to a stop right as we get ready to head back into The Grounds.
“I still love you, too, okay?”
