Elizabeth was quiet, and nothing further was said.
After a while she took his hand and squeezed it. Darcy felt a flutter of warmth and an intense feeling of affection for her. Holding hands, they fell asleep.
Chapter Eleven
The day that the Matlock party was to leave in the afternoon, Elizabeth finally received a long awaited letter from Jane, and a not quite so long awaited letter from Mrs. Gardiner, who had sent her two since she’d reached Pemberley.
Eagerly taking it, Elizabeth set off on her morning walk round the park. It said:
Dearest Elizabeth,
I hope this finds you well. I must apologize for how dilatory I have been in my correspondence. My spirits have been low of late. I miss Mr. Bingley very much, and it was a shock. Yes, a shock for him to leave so quickly. I only wish there had been some explanation — I often think I wholly imagined what had seemed to me as affection from him. I did assume too much, but I think he behaved wrongly towards me if he really felt nothing.
And here, after waiting so long to write to you, I have begun with complaints. This is not like me at all. I know I ought to be content, and I try. I will try. But I have missed you, and it was easier to be content when I knew that you were there to understand what I felt. I lost you, my dearest sister, at the same time when I had lost the dearest hope I had begun to cherish.
I confess I have not had my usual equanimity of late.
And here I have continued to complain. Now that I have put my pen to paper, I find that easiest to write. And I will not waste the paper to scratch it out, or begin anew, and pretend I am wholly content, for I am not.
I fear I must make apology to you. There was some little resentment in my heart when you left with Mr. Darcy, takingthe carriage from the church, and after Mr. Bingley had barely looked at me when we witnessed your vows. I violated the commandment: Thou shalt not envy.
Youmarried, when I could not, and suddenly Mama had become delighted with you. We always laughed upon this, did we not? But to lose that place of her most admired daughter was painful, when I did not think it would be. I had hoped, and expected to see Mr. Bingley when Mr. Darcy returned for the marriage, but when he showed with his coldness that all was over, that left me in such a state as I think I only now have begun to recover from.
And I did not have my Lizzy to comfort me.
But I know that you had no choice. This is why I have not written till now. I cannot control my pen. It only says that which will be painful to you, and I do not mean to do that.
I do hope you are happy and that you have found real companionship and affection with Mr. Darcy. The formation of the marriage was under strange circumstances I know, and I believe you had no notion he liked you, nor that you liked him, before that mark of physical affection which Mama and Lady Lucas observed. But surely you must be happy.
I truly hope that now, and cling to that knowledge that you are.
Mama has spoken constantly about Mr. Bingley since you left, and she has begged me many times to pen a letter to you, which will convince you to speak to Mr. Darcy about bringing us together again. I could not bear to send such a letter. I imagine that you received the order from Mama in any case.
Oh, but I should not complain at any greater length. I have shown far too much melancholy for one letter. And in any case the worst of my unhappiness is in the past.
My life truly is very happy.
And there is an additional source for happiness which I have gained.
By the time you receive this letter, I will be ensconced on Gracechurch Street in London with our dear aunt and uncle. Mrs. Gardiner saw that I was not so happy as I might be, and believed that a change of scenery would be the very thing for me.
I have been more excited, and more filled with life at the prospect of new scenes and locations since the decision was made. I will spend time with dear Betsy, Emma, Thomas, and little Johnny. And the simple joy of children makes it difficult to be unhappy when they are near. And I have been promised trips to the menagerie, walking over and around the great bridges, and plays, concerts, and parties and balls. Though I confess dreading the promise ofballsrather than eagerly anticipating them.
However I know that forcing myself to be active will do much more good for my spirit than sitting at home with Mama with little to do except knitting and embroidery.
I look forward to when we next meet, and I hope it will not be so long — do send me information about when you might be again in London, or even near Meryton.
Yours Affectionately,
J Bennet
The letter was difficult for Elizabeth to read.
She folded it away into the pocket of her pelisse and patted it. Poor Jane. Poor, unhappy Jane!
Elizabeth had been too absorbed in her own worries, her own unhappiness at her marriage, to realize that of course Jane must feel some envy at seeing her sister married on the same date that her hopes were dashed.
But I hadn’t chosen this! She shouldn’t feel envious overthat.
