“You had a choice. You and your family are not so poor that you must throw yourself like a wanton woman at any eligible man who comes close enough to lurch into a lewd embrace with. You did not need to kiss me, and you did not need to arrange for your mother to watch.”
“I never did. You kissed me. Perhaps — d-d-d-damn you. I did not resist as much as I ought to have, because I… I thought something about you, and — but Idid notchoose to kiss you. I did not mean to entice you. You were drawn in, but I swear, before God and my own soul that it was unconsciously done. You chose to kiss me. And when I did not slap you away at once,after those terrible seconds of mistake, I had no choice. You and my mother, and Lady Lucas — the whole world knew. Everyone knew. And then my father… instead of supporting me he called me what you have, a wanton mercenary woman. One minute’s mistake, and my life was as wholly ruined as yours was.”
Darcy’s rage was washed away by a far, far more terrible sickness.
His mind instinctively understood everything that what Elizabeth said meant, even though it would take longer than an instant to explain it to himself. “You… you did not want to—”
“Even if I had married you willingly — which I did not — how could I ever love the man who has perhaps forever ruined the happiness of my dearest sister? Who ruins the happiness of his own sister?”
“What do you mean?”
“I heard you. I heard you speak of how you convinced Mr. Bingley toabandonmy sister. We all thought he was on the verge of offering for her. And we wereright. She is so confused, distraught because she does notunderstandwhy he abandoned her without a word. And it wasyou. You did this to the kindest and sweetest heart in the whole world.”
“To my friend I was kinder than I have been to myself.”
“Kind! If he's not touched by heartache, Bingley never was right for my sister. They looked so happy together — you told him that Jane is a fortune hunter. You told him that the most loving heart, a girl who has never fancied herself in love before Mr. Bingley, and you told him that she cares nothing for him, because you were filled with spite. You were filled with spite because your uncontrolled lust drove you to kiss a womanwho did not ever want you to kiss her.”
“I do not believe you.” He did.
“No, I imagine you do not. You pretend cleverness, and good judgment. You think you are careful in evaluating matters,but in truth, you are just another human driven by his lusts, his passions, his angers, and his vile feelings. You are as dishonorable as the rest of us, and it is only those old servants, like Mrs. Reynolds, blinded by the memory of you as a child, and intimidated by your grandeur that cannot see it.”
He could not say anything.
Elizabeth continued, “And why did you steal Wickham’s inheritance from him? If he held the living at Kympton, while a poor match for your sister, it would not be ridiculous.”
“Ha! Wickham as a churchman.”
“You sneer. And this is what I have to live with.”
“You agreed to marry me.”
“I was never asked!”
That startled Darcy.
“What do you mean? I—”
“You never spoke the words to me. You offered your hand to me. You never gave me a chance to refuse. You simply took what you thought was yours by right as the great master of Pemberley.”
“Whatever you think you may have lost, you have gained fair exchange for that as my wife and the mistress of this estate.”
She said nothing for half a minute. They stared at each other.
Elizabeth quietly asked, “Why do you despise my character so much?”
That cold question caught Darcy. And suddenly heknew. As much as he wished he did not know, as much as he now desperately wished that he could still believe that she was,he knewthat Elizabeth was not a fortune hunter.
“You despise me, you despise me just as my father did. I — I cannot say I carenothingfor being mistress of Pemberley, but if I had a choice, I would not have sold myself for it. Andthatis why I never wear the dresses you wish me to. I told Papawhen he taunted me with wanting fine clothes and carriages that I would never spend more than the portion I brought into the marriage on clothing, andI will not— I never wished to marry for wealth, I wanted… I wanted to marry for the deepest love. But then I had to marry you because the dreadful rumors would have hurt my sisters… and… and… because Papa said he would not support me through the scandal if I now wished to repent my foolishness. And despite all that, it was a mistake to marry you.”
“A mistake? You think marrying me was a mistake? You think I despise your character? So, this is truly what you think of me.” Darcy spoke from a deep hurt. “My failings are great in your eyes. I am glad to know it, for I do prefer to know the truth no matter how much it pains me, but perhaps if I had flattered your vanity, if I had said that my attachment to you was a product of unallowed good sense and good judgement, you might have thought more kindly of me.”
“Nothing could have done that. From almost the first moment of my acquaintance with you your manners impressed me with the fullest belief of your arrogance, your conceit, and your selfish disdain for the feelings of others. You are the last man who I could be happy to find myself married to.”
And her face crumpled, she clapped her hands over her eyes, and she began to sob. Not a loud wailing sob, but a pathetic, shaking, quiet cry.
“You have said quite enough, madam. I perfectly comprehend your feelings and have now only to be ashamed of what my own have been. I shall now know how to act.”
He had no notion of how to act. Hurt deep inside in a place that was rawer and more ripped open than the day that his father had died. He was numb.
