Elizabeth had acted as God, society, and her conscience demanded.Shehad been a better friend to Caroline than Caroline had been to herself.
And so Elizabeth was off, angrily scribbling down every resentful thought that had roiled and nauseated in her brain for the last month:
What sort of relationship did you imagine you would have with Mr. Darcy? You fool! Fool! Fool! Fool! Even had your plot succeeded, Mr. Darcy would have despised you for the whole of your lives. That estate you admire, those walks, the admiration of your friends, the envy of the world — was that all you hoped for? Cold compensation for a husband who hotly hated you, and who would know how to make his despite known. You foolish creature, how could you not see that this would end in tears?
And Charles!
You ought to have known simply from the observation of his excellent character that Mr. Darcy was not such a man as could be managed with such low tricks. He would refuse. You meant to make Charles fight his dearest friend, you meant to force a man who had no fondness for you into a marriage — what possible consideration could have driven suchstupidity?
You betrayed your brother. You betrayed me. You betrayed Christianity itself! You betrayed… your own humanity. The gentility in your blood. Your breeding, your every friend, all who had an interest in your wellbeing.
YOUbetrayed! You betrayed! Not I. Not I. Not I!
And did you not notice that Mr. Darcy preferred me? How did you not see that — now that I know his preference, it was clear that he looked at me, sought conversation with me, while he barely offered you tolerance. All that could be done to forward a match between the two of you was done by everyone, by me, by your sister — even by Charlie through inviting Darcy to stay in the same house as you.
And how did you repay our efforts?
With evil.
You repaid us with the most scandalous, disgusting behavior ever known outside of a novel or a newspaper. You destroyed Charlie’s friendship with Mr. Darcy — he has not once replied to a letter Charles sent him. And he declared he would have no further connection with the Bingley family. You did this!
Caroline Bingley,youdid this!
And you hurt me— yes, Mr. Darcy admired me. But I was not seeking to have him for myself. I do not know for certain whether I even would have accepted him. You had declared him as your property, and I respected that. I never sought his attention, and every time he gave it to me, I encouraged him to shift his attention upon you. Yousawthis with your own eyes. And then you accused me in that way — as though I had stopped you from trying to entrap a good, honorable and decent man into marriage because I wanted to steal him from you.
He was never yours!!!!
Perhaps he could have been mine — you stole that chance of discovery from me.
I never was able to wonder, to try falling in love with him. Because you would not have forgiven me. You were determined to have things the way you wished them, and when that did not work… What was there left for me?
Nothing.
Damn you, Caroline. Damn you, damn you.Damn you!
And you now have the temerity to be silent, and make me reestablish the connection if we are to remain friends.
That is not right! You should damned write me first andapologize, damn you.
Elizabeth pushed the paper away and flexed her cramped hand. She gasped. Sweat had soaked the back of her dress.
So… it would appear that shewasin fact a little angry at Caroline.
At least Elizabeth had profited from this writing exercise by becoming properly acquainted with a fact about herself that she had managed to keep from learning before.
Hurt hand, tight jaw, she felt exhausted and sweaty, even though the fire was on the far side of the room. Elizabeth sighed and leaned back in her decorative bronze and pink chair.
Only Papa was still in the drawing room, tired from the ceremony — and in Lydia’s case an argument with Papa attempting to convince him to let her come outnowinstead of making her go back to school after the holiday. Elizabeth’s sisters and mother had retired.
Elizabeth had been taught the same habits of propriety as Caroline and all the other girls in their seminary — she did not think she had ever in her whole life so much asthought,let alone written downdamn.
As for speaking that word?
She had never considered doing so since the day that three of them had all been made to rinse their mouths with soap by Mrs. Castle, even though it had only been Lady Amelia who hadusedthe word, while Elizabeth and Caroline giggled at hearing it spoken by a schoolmate.
Well.
Zounds, and dash it all. Take the deuce and to the devil with it.
