“You do not sound concerned about the possibility that he will not.”
“I have said this so many times, but it remains true: That is nothing more than what I deserve. I have had months to do nothing but contemplate my own behavior. I acted… wrongly, and wrongly beyond the ordinary way.”
Elizabeth could not disagree, but she still took Caroline’s hand and squeezed it. No need to repeat the bored statements of those older and wiser upon growth, learning from mistakes, and “go forth and sin no more”.
They were already in Caroline’s mind, she knew.
“Do you intend to settle in London?”
“No.” Caroline shook her head decidedly. “I have no desire to be alone in the great city… if… if you would be willing to call on me from time to time, I think I shall take a house in Meryton. Hire a companion, and live in retirement for at least a year.”
A smile slowly spread over Elizabeth’s face. “I would like it very much to have you settled so near — you ought to try Pulvis Lodge, I believe it is still available to let.”
“That house on the far side of Meryton? — hmmmm. It is too large…”
“I am quite sure that on the income from twenty thousand you can easily afford it.”
“I do not mean to spend my whole income on myself — it is not…” Caroline made an odd shrugging expression. “I worried too much about income and how much I was worth, and how much everyone I knew was worth, and… I mean to dedicate at least half my income to some sort of good work. I shall look for some smaller house in the town — enough room for a companion and Aliette, and a maid of all work.”
Elizabeth laughed. “I hope you do not intend to convince me to give up all of my book money for stuffing the poor box and—”
With a soft shake of her head, Caroline said, “This is a personal dispensation, a personal need.”
Suddenly Elizabeth asked what had perhaps been on the top of her head the entire time Caroline had been in the room, even though it was not something that could have any practical consequence, “Are you still in love with Mr. Darcy?”
“What — no. I do not know if I ever was in love with him so much as I was in love with the idea of him. But I was… I adored him. But it was not… oh, how can I say this!”
Elizabeth waited.
“I paid little attention tohim, to the flesh and blood, spirit and soul fact of him — the opposite ofloveas spoken of in the scriptures — and then when I saw… how little attention he paid tome. Lizzy, I think he liked you very much, and I apologize that I kept any such possibility from… flowering.”
“He asked me to marry him.” There was a bit of resentment in Elizabeth’s voice, despite her best efforts. “That night at the ball, a little before you tried to trap him.”
“No! — and you refused him?”
“How could I do anything else? — you are my dearest friend and —” Elizabeth cut herself off. “I would not do so again. Not in such a case… You had no proper claim on him. I seetodaythat respecting that improper claim was not… wise of me. But — oh, I should have told you. I knew all along that your suit was hopeless.”
“You refusedhimfor my sake? That is… Lizzy, you should not have. I am so… sorry to see another harm I caused.”
“I was not in love with him. I had refused to allow myself to think upon him in such a way. I have thought about it… we would have suited very well. That is my guess. But I do not know. I did not allow myself to fall in love with him, but I could have easily come to admire him. But there was no heartbreak, no love, no infatuation.”
“Healways looked at you. I seethed with jealousy, but I loved you so much that I could not admit that to myself, not until I saw how he looked at you during that dance before the supper. I was not a good friend to you.”
Elizabeth laughed. “I think that none of us, properly speaking, should look upon our behavior with complaisance.”
“Youought. There is nothing in your behavior to give you such disquiet as in mine.”
“I will,” Elizabeth took Caroline’s hand, “freely grant you the right to think with abhorrence, distaste, and far more dislike upon your own behavior than upon mine. It would be ridiculous otherwise. But after… the theatrical extreme of such a night, it would also be ridiculous if I could not find ample grist for the mill of thought in the event.”
“I will then grant,” Caroline said, “that though I would have behaved abominably towards you if you had, and that it is in no way something that you should think about with regret, that were youperfectyou might have made an attempt to force me to admit to myself the impossibility of my hopes. However, as the Holy Book says: None are perfect but God. Further, if you should ever have the opportunity to see Mr. Darcy again, you ought to assiduously pursue the chance to discover what your true feelings might be. Perhaps the worstoutcomeof my behavior is that I prevented you from forming a happy and advantageous marriage.”
“No, no, no! — I will take your advice. But you have no blame with regards tothat. He would not have had enough interest in me to consider himself as having fallen in love, if I had not been most pointedly disinterested in him. What a strange and perverse man! But I do admire him.”
“And so I approached him in a manner which was perfectly aimed to repulse him.” Caroline laughed at Elizabeth’s description of Mr. Darcy. “Yet he is so handsome and tall!”
The two grinned at each other. They fell quiet and leaned back into the sofa. Caroline took one of the lemon tarts, and Elizabeth ate a biscuit.
That gloomy gray sky outside seemed to have a very happy countenance to Elizabeth. She could not dislike it any more.
