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Suspicion. She heard it in his voice, but all she saw in his face was the same expression she had seen the night she found him drunk, his truck in a ditch and his drunken bitterness pouring from his voice as he cursed his parents.
“Because it was our baby,” she answered simply, tearfully. “A part of you and a part of everything I felt for you. And it was innocent, Dawg. No matter how frightened I was, or what you wanted, it wasn’
t our baby’s fault. ”
Sweet God, his eyes were wet, so dark now, haunted and rife with agony as he stared back at her.
“Would you have told me about our baby?”
How to answer that one? She felt like a criminal on trial now, and Dawg was her judge and jury.
The way he watched her terrified her.
“No. ” She wasn’t going to lie to him, not now. “But Alex would have. He was already set to tell you when I miscarried. I was—” She bit her lip as she glanced away for long seconds. “I was too scared, Dawg. I don’t know if I could have survived your denial of our child. You didn’t even remember the night we spent together. I knew you didn’t. You would have never believed I was carrying your baby. ”
He stared down at the file, closing it slowly and pushing it away. The heaviness in his expression broke her heart. His brows were lowered, his features tight with the grief she had felt the minute she realized she was losing his child.
“I would have believed you,” he finally said, his voice rough, harsh, as he lifted his head and stared back at her, his green eyes dark with sorrow. “Don’t you know, Crista? I would have used any excuse to claim you. ”
She had to turn away from him. Her hand pressed to her lips as pain tore through her chest. She couldn’t breathe, she couldn’t stop the tears that flooded her eyes. She had to hide from what she saw in his eyes then. The shutters were removed, the distance he always forced on himself was stripped away, and the loneliness and the pain glittered in the light green orbs.
And she couldn’t face it. She couldn’t face the fact that she had added to it.
A second later his arms were wrapping around her, pulling her against his chest, surrounding her with a warmth that she had only known when she was in his arms.
“I would have destroyed us both,” she whispered tearfully, her hands gripping his hard forearms as her head lowered. “I would have made us miserable. ”
“Shh. Don’t, Crista,” he whispered against her ear. “Don’t blame yourself. We both grew up, baby. But the thought of you going through that alone. Carrying my child, losing it. ” One hand lifted to her face as he turned her, his opposite arm wrapping around her and holding her to him as he wiped the tears from beneath one eye. “It tears me apart. ”
Crista tried to shake her head.
“Don’t. ” He stopped her, sighing heavily as his forehead rested against hers. “You’ve been scared to even tell me, Crista. You’ve held back, you’ve let yourself hurt and not even considered telling me, haven’t you?”
“I was going to tell you when we got back here. ” She swallowed tightly. “I couldn’t hold back any longer, Dawg. Loving you terrified me, until I awoke in your arms and realized I’ve always loved you.
And I’ve been dying inside without you all these years. Never knowing, always wondering what if. The wondering was killing me. Being without you was breaking my heart more every year. ”
She stared into his eyes, and they broke her heart. His expression was twisted into lines of grief, his brows heavy with the internal pain she could glimpse in his eyes.
“I won’t let you go, Crista,” he whispered then. “Not now, not ever. We’re going to get through this investigation, find out what the hell Johnny is pulling, and then we’re going to figure this relationship out. Just you and me. ”
“I should have told you. ” She reached up, cupped his cheek, and ached at the pain in his face. “I shouldn’t have run from you, Dawg. ”
She admitted that now, though it was something she had known, even then. Running away from him hadn’t been the answer. Running away from herself had, in ways, been even worse.
“No more running,” he told her softly, gently, his lips lowering to hers, taking them in a kiss that had her breath hitching in her chest.
The sheer gentleness rocked her mind. The way his head tilted, the lingering emotion and banked passion seemed to sink into her soul and leave her fighting for breath in a way that the raw lust never had.
When he pulled back, grief creased his expression and sheened his eyes as well as lust. Lust and hunger and need so powerful now it stole her breath.
“If I start now, we won’t stop. Let’s see about our lunch, sweetheart, figure some of this out, and later…” His eyes were heartbreaking. Filled with pain and need. “Later, we’ll pick this up. ”
Crista inhaled roughly and tried to pull her thoughts back into some semblance of order. She tried to give him the time he needed, and she knew he needed time. She could see it in his face, in his bleak gaze.
“I can’t believe Johnny is involved in this. ” She shook her head, wondering how many more times Dawg could handle the betrayals from the family that should have stood by him.
He had Rowdy and Natches and Rowdy’s father, Ray, but Crista had seen how alone he was other than those three. He had few friends; he trusted no one but the cousins he had grown up with and the one uncle who had stood by him.
