To that end, she made herself especially clear.
Chapter Fourteen
Every minute ofevery hour of the carriage ride had been pure torture. Every mile had been agonizing and drawn out especially knowing he would have to wait until day’s end to lay eyes on Prudence once again. To pull her into his arms and kiss her soundly. Kiss her until she understood just how much he had come to care for her.
Now here she was saying something most forward yet highly anticipated.
“You should know I have educated myself on ways to prevent things from happening that should not out of wedlock,” she said softly. “If we are to embark on a not-quite-courtship relationship, then we should do so responsibly.”
While Jacob might argue there was risk regardless, he sensed she need not be told. Instead, he found himself put off in a way he had no right to be. She was not his. They were not married. Yet something about the idea of her not wanting to have a child with him seemed wrong. As though he were the only one with whom she should ever want to share such a gift.
“You seem disappointed.” Her eyebrows edged together slowly. “Perhaps I misunderstood where this might be heading?”
“You did not.” He wanted to be between her thighs so badly it hurt. “I appreciate your vigilance, Prudence. I only wish it were not the case.”
He could tell by her continued confusion, she understood no more than he did what he alluded to. Not really. Rather than say it because it would only be a marriage proposal she did not want, he sidestepped somewhat and walked himself into a difficult subject he would have preferred avoiding.
“What I mean to say is I am not so sure I can have wee bairns.” However painful, he continued because she deserved to know. “Elizabeth and I tried for years to no avail.”
“I am so sorry.” Prudence squeezed his hand. The look in her eyes reflected his sadness. “Unfortunately, I can relate as I am fairly certain I am incapable of having children, too. Even so…”
“Even so,” he echoed, wondering at her tension. “What is it?” He searched her eyes, concerned by her pain. “Were you that eager then, despite how unfortunate your marriage?”
“Very much so.” She sighed. “Or at least, at first, when I thought our child would come into a loving home. After that, it became an endless duty at which I forever failed. Then, eventually, it was a dreaded duty I prayed I failed at.”
If her blasted late husband was in front of him now, he would call him out for putting her through so much misery. For not cherishing her like she deserved to be cherished.
“You did not fail him.” He nearly called her his love but stopped himself. “Rather, it was the opposite. Might you never forget it.”
“Did you know him then?”
“I knewofhim,” he confessed. “And I can promise you this, Prudence. Any fault in your marriage, or who you became over the years, was solely because of him and no one else.” He tilted her chin until she had no choice but to look at him. “It is important that you know that. More so, it is important that you forgive yourself for the woman you became during those difficult years.”
“I know,” she murmured. “And I usually do.”
“Yet it needs to bealways.” He could not help but brush his lips across hers. Taste her sweetness again, however briefly. “All that is behind you now. You are a free and very desired lass. One, as you said, who has found her way back to being a better person.”
“No small thanks to you.” Prudence rubbed her lips together as if holding onto his taste as well. “I cannot tell you how much I have come to value our friendship, Jacob.”
“And I yours.” So much so when tempted to kiss her again, he held back and gave her more than intended. So much so when tempted to kiss her again, he refrained lest he lose himself to the kiss and not tell her things he wanted her to know. Things he had never shared with anyone but Elizabeth. “To that end, I will share my past with you, however much I detest it.”
He went on to tell her what it had been like to be raised as the inheriting son of an earl in the Rothesay household. Or, as it were, their adjoining home, as it was uncouth for his parents to have their bairns about overly much. He told her how he’d never quite measured up. Never enjoyed love or adoration from either parent.
“And it made me into a beastly, angry young man.” He looked at the fire rather than see even a glimmer of disappointment in Prudence’s eyes. “I was uncaring to lasses. Cruel, even. Pompous, because I had no idea how else to be. Thrust into a life of wealth and privilege I had not earned. To which I felt entitled. I was above myself in every way possible and let all those around me know it.” He shook his head and tried not to stare too deeply into the past. “Meeting Elizabeth was nothing shy of a miracle. She saved me in ways I cannot tell you. Made me a better person.”
“And youarea better person, Jacob.” Prudence cupped his cheek and steered his gaze back to her face. To what seemed loving eyes. “One who went on to save me just as much as Elizabeth saved you. I might not have known her, but I cannot help but think Elizabeth would have liked that. She seems the sort who would have.”
“She was,” he said. “Very much so.”
Guilt flared at the assumption she had been the first lass he tried to save. He should tell her now she was not the first but struggled to tell her. Feared how she might react. Even worse, he realized how terrified he was that she might turn him away if she discovered the truth. Nevertheless, he needed to tell her and was about to when she set aside their drinks, cupped his cheeks, and kissed him. Kissed him so passionately that his good intentions vanished, and he pulled her onto his lap.
After that, all he could do was kiss her. Lose himself in what would normally be a simple act but seemed so much more with her. She wore a different scent than she had at the beginning, and he relished the soft, feminine aroma. Wanted more of it.Her. So when she steered his hand to her breast, he could not help but caress the soft mound. Dust his fingers over her nipple when it pebbled. Wanted her so much when she pulled up her dress and straddled him, he allowed it rather than fought it.
“This is not where,” he began, but she took the words out of his mouth when she kissed him again. When their tongues twirled and twisted, he drowned in her.
Lost himself in a place where good intentions became a distant memory.
Instead, he groaned as their kisses grew hungrier, and she rubbed her warm center against him. Desperate for her, he clenched the firm globes of her backside and steered her back and forth over his clothed erection until he swore he would burst.
