“What?” My laughter trills. Stop? Stop what? Living? How does anyone just stop? The suggestion is absurd. Only, Dax isn’t laughing.
“You’ve been running for years, little gem. Between your parents, your siblings, from job to job, school, college; your life has been responsibilities and dodging punches for so long. You must be exhausted.”
As if his voicing it aloud makes it a reality; my body sinks into the chair. My bones are leaden weights. I am exhausted. I’m heavy and tired and broken. Like pottery held together by Krazy Glue, anger, and a twisted determination. But if I stop, what happens then? If I take the time to think, the anger will turn to pain, my determination will become desperation, and without those kids as my glue, I’ll fall apart.
“I can’t stop.” I stare at the floor. I can’t look at Dax. I know he’ll see the truth anyway, but I can’t watch his expression when he realises how much I’m struggling..
And to think I came in here so sure of myself and what I wanted.
“I have people you can talk to,” he presses gently.
I shake my head. “I need to keep my shit together to survive this.”
“They can help you do that.”
My heart flutters. My vision darkens at the edges. The idea of professional help frightens me, and I need him to stop pressing. “No. I’m fine as I am.”
“You’ve been having panic attacks, Jules,” he reminds me, driving his point into my already twisted gut.
“Do you and Aiden talk about everything?” I mumble, but I know he’ll hear me. I want him to hear me.
“When it comes to you, yes.” His admission doesn’t surprise me, but the way he’s so unapologetic does. Is this what intention looks like? Dax lives and breathes intention. He is control bundled up in a handsome face, a tight arse, and overwhelming kindness. It looks a lot like arrogance. Though (if I think objectively and not through the prism of my jealousy), it might also be confidence.
Still. Why are they both interested in me?
“Is this a game? Am I just a game to you both?” A faceless, untouchable image of Celeste Trevainne pops into my head along with Dax’s argument with Frank,’You’re assuming that Jules means the same to me as Celeste did.’I’m not even a game. I’m nothing.“Actually, don’t answer that. I already know the truth.”
He sees through me easily. “You’re avoiding the conversation. Stop trying to change the subject.”
“That’s right, and you’re avoiding giving me any real answers.”
He ignores my deliberate attempt at an argument and hits me where it hurts.
“You’d want this for AJ, wouldn’t you? You’d want him to talk to someone and work through whatever’s hurting him.”
I rocket to my feet. Fury carrying me forward. “You manipulative piece of shit! —” My fists clench, his arrogant face might has well have a big red target for how badly I want to hit him, and then I see Eric’s face and the leery grin he’d pull right before he’d punch me. I’m not him. I don’t have to hit out to express myself. By the time my vision clears, I can see that Dax isn’t the arrogant arsehole I think he is. Hurt, frustration, fear all flash across his face.
“I’m not trying to be manipulative, Jules. I’m trying to explain how I feel. Watching you push yourself when you have nothing left, no reserves, it cuts me up. I want you to heal. Please, just talk to someone.”
My fight has gone. “No. I can’t risk it…not yet.”
“But, Jules…”
My voice is too small, but I say the words anyway. “Please don’t push this. I’m not saying no…just not yet. I can’t. Not yet.”
“Okay.” Dax gives in. “Okay. Can you at least promise me you’ll rest? Try eating three meals a day?”
I don’t promise. “I need to keep my head occupied,” I say instead.
“This college thing is really that important? You really can’t consider waiting?”
I’ll wait if I have to, but I need something to hold onto— something of myself, something of my own doing. He’s right. I need hope and a path. “Yes, it’s important. No, I don’t want to wait.” It’s the truth. I can wait, but I don’t want to.
“Then I’ll see what I can do,” he concedes, looking as exhausted as I feel.
“Thank you.”
He circles around to his desk and slumps down into his chair. I hear the thump of his arse hitting the seat. After a long pause, he chuckles dryly. “Well, fuck. This wasn’t at all how I saw this meeting going.”
