“Ready?” Aiden asks once he’s belted in and secured. The engine turns over and thrums beneath our feet.
There’s so much I want to ask him and yet so much more I want to avoid. I check on the kids via the rear-view mirror and remind myself that this is one nice day with them and not about me.
“Ready.”
“Let’s go!” the twins call from the back. I nod and then lean back into the headrest as Aiden takes us away from the Tower and the Vale and everything I can’t bear to face.
“The zoo?” I ask, the iron gates and colourfully decorated signage dominating my vision. The kids bounce around in the seats, overstimulated and eagerly peering out at all the pictures of animals. AJ points out the ones he knows and TJ squirms to look out through the windshield. Casey’s got no idea what’s happening, but she gets into it with the boys, clapping and whooping.
“I haven’t been here for years. I used to love visiting the monkey enclosure with my nieces.” The confession, the little hint at his private life, thrills me. He’s offering me a part of himself that I wonder if Dax even knows about. Is he showing he trusts me?
“It’s been a while?” I ask, phrasing my words carefully. I want to ask about them, to ask why he doesn’t still go. Did they just get to the stage where they were too grown up to hang out with their uncle? But I also don’t want to sound pushy or intrusive.
“Eight years. My brother took them halfway across the country to live nearer his wife’s family,” he admits. The words sting for both of us. I hear his pain even though he’s being matter of fact about it.
“Sorry to hear that.”
“It happens. I see them a couple of times a year when I’m not working.”
“Well, that’s better than nothing. So, the zoo, huh? I hope you have eyes in the back of your head because these three are going to keep us both on our toes in there.”
“After the things I’ve been trained for, a couple of kids won’t be an issue.” Confident, he parks the car and warns me to stay with the kids until he returns with the tickets.
“You are on your best behaviour in here, you hear me?” The boys nod obediently, and Casey mimics the head bobbing, but she’s already wired. Just riding in the car is almost too much excitement for her. But, perhaps, if overstimulated, she might sleep well in a strange place later?
I need to wear the kids out, keep them safe, somehow contact Mum so she doesn’t panic about the kids, not to mention get back for my shift atCarlito’slater. Holy hell, how am I supposed to do it all? Do I even have a job there after today?
How many things have I ruined today? My home, my job, my hands, my relationship with my mother. I have a father I didn’t want and one I didn’t know. AJ’s emotional damage and burgeoning tendency toward self-harm are probably on me too. Dax and Aiden too—all the trouble I’ve caused them…
Fuck!
I can’t. I can’t think. I can’t breathe. There’s too much happening at once. Too many changes. Too many battles. I can’t fight them all—I can barely stand up. What do I do if Dad comes after me? Or Gresh? Or those bikers? Where can I even hide? Mum will take the kids to Carlo’s, but I can’t be there with them…not right now. Not that she even wants me there at all. So where do I go? Charlie’s? She can’t keep me for long and I’d never presume to stay unless it was an emergency…
God…does this count as an emergency? My whole life is fucked.
My hands are fucked. My chest feels fucked too. Tight. Too tight.
Why is it so hard to breathe?
I have a couple of hundred in savings, tucked in an envelopebetween my bed slats and my mattress. I should have got it out of the house earlier. It won’t be enough to pay for a room, at least not for more than one night. There’s no way it’ll stretch to rent and the two jobs I work won’t cover rent, utilities, and food. I’ll need another job or more shifts, but what about college? Shit. It’s too much. I need time. I need help.
I don’t have anyone. No one who can help with all this.
My god, my chest is heavy. Why is my throat scratchy? I can’t…I can’t breathe…
I…
My door opens, Aiden leans down. “Ready?” he asks, but as soon as he notices the look on my face, he crouches into a seated position at my side. “Breathe. Take in a breath…now let it out,” he coaches. I suck in and exhale each time he instructs me to. I feel like an idiot. A failure. I can take a slap, but I can’t handle the pressure of my own thoughts? What is wrong with me?
“There’s nothing wrong with you,” Aiden answers. Clearly, I’ve done it again. I need to remember that thoughts stay inside my head. “This is all completely natural. Let it out in breaths,” he continues. “You have no idea of how strong you’ve been. This is just your mind’s way of coping. Did you freak out?”
“Yeah.”
He nods as if he’s been expecting it. Perhaps he has.
“You’re going to be okay. The kids are safe. Your mum and Carlo can take charge of the rest. You’ve been the responsible adult in that house for too long, but you can let go now. It’ll be alright.”
“Dad…Eric…”
