He rolls away before I can kick him, but I’m already on him, punching, slapping, and reaching for his hair.
“Fuck you! Fuck the lot of you!”I scream.
His hands come up to protect his face, but I don’t stop hitting him. Clawing at him to get to his eyes.
“I’m a fucking person! I have rights!”
To get me away from his face, he releases his protective stance and wraps his arms around my waist in a crushing vice grip. He throws his weight onto me. My back slams onto the mat. A ragged breath heaves, but I can’t tell if it’s his or mine. Rolling me over, he uses his mass to pin me to the floor, thrusting his knee into my back to hold me still.
The heaviness—that pressing weight—is the hair-trigger that sinks me from the red and into blackness.
I know this. Forced submission. Held down. The punches come next. Jabs to my sides and my kidneys.
Breathe.
Fingers in my hair to shake my head, to hold it to the side, to spit in my face, to suffocate my nose and mouth. I’ve been in this position before.
Breathe.
I’ll survive this.
Breathe.
I always survive, just a little more broken than the last time.
I don’t want to be broken anymore. I haven’t got enough pieces left to put back together. There are holes now, aching chasms. Parts of me are lost forever. I don’t want that.
Breathe, Jules.
No. Fight back. Never let him hurt you again.
I slide my right leg up and use it to buck us both upward. I turn and shove. He stays with me, swirling around me like a ghost.The sharp tang of sweat sinks me deeper into the dark. My voice is small but determined. “No more, Dad!”
He grabs my wrist, pulling me back into him. I yank back. Pain explodes in my palm, and my wrist lets out an almighty pop.
I kick out, lifting my knee into his groin. The distraction is enough to free my arms from his grip, so I slam my hand up and into his neck. He blocks most of the force but pulls back too. I curl my body and roll away before he can get me again. I won’t let him get me again. I’ve got all the bruises he’ll ever give me. I can’t take any more…
“I’ll fucking die rather than let you,”I yell through thick sobs.
Get away. Don’t let him hurt you again. No more. No more, Dad…no more…I’ve got to stop him…I’ve got to stop them all. They can’t have me…I can’t let them get Casey…
If they hurt her…If they touch her…
“I’ll fucking kill you all first! I’ll kill you all!”I dive at him again, but he’s faster than I remember. When did Dad get so fast? Arms pin mine to my sides. I struggle, but I can’t break his hold. My arse hits the mat with a thud that ricochets up my spine. Limbs snake around me, tighter. Legs wrap my waist and secure my thighs to the floor.
I can’t get free. I can’t…I can’t breathe…
I can’t…
“Jules! Breathe, damn it! Come on, pretty girl, come back to me, sweetheart. I’ve got you. You’re safe now. I’ve got you. Shhh. You’re safe. You’re at the compound and you’re safe.”
I’m rocked like a child.
Mum?
Mum hasn’t hugged me in forever.
Not mum.
