WHEN SHE WAS GONEand the door had closed behind her, Ranulf leaned back against the nearest wall and hung his head.
He felt like a murderer, a cruel and merciless villain.
He hadn’t wanted to hurt her, yet this was the way it must be. Bea deserved a finer, better man than he could ever be. He knewit and, one day, so would she. Then, hopefully, she would realize the folly of her youthful affection and be grateful he had rejected her. She could be glad she hadn’t thrown herself away on a poor and landless knight, and might even find it in her heart to forgive him the things he’d said and done today.
Meanwhile, he would live without her love, finding contentment where he could.
Ranulf drew in a deep, ragged breath as he pushed himself off the wall. Not for him the joys of marital bliss such as Merrick and Henry had found in the arms of their beloved wives. He would never know that deep happiness, or have his children gathered ’round him, with a wife he cherished and adored looking on beside him.
He would be alone, as he must and always would be.
ASRANULF SLUMPEDagainst the wall, Beatrice ran into the first empty chamber she could find. She shoved the door closed and fastened the latch, then splayed her hands upon the door and laid her forehead on the rough wood, breathing hard.
How could she have been so wrong? How could she have believed he was a good, kind man? He was a cad, a scoundrel, a lustful beast, just as Maloren had always said. He was an ungrateful wretch, too, making sport of her duty and her wish to help him. He’d acted as if she carried the plague and was trying to sicken him with it. It would serve him right if she let him wallow in filth and misery, eating moldy bread and rotten meat, sleeping in musty sheets in a room thick with dust, finally dying loveless and alone.
She must have been mad to think she loved him! She didn’t. She couldn’t. She wouldn’t. His kisses were lies…
She took a deep breath, then shook her head. No, if there was one thing that had been truthful between them, it had been thekisses they had shared. He could claim he didn’t want her and give her a score of excuses, but his kisses had told her the truth.
Whatever he said about not wanting her—that was the lie.
Why would he reject the love she offered?
Her age should be no barrier. People with far greater differences in ages married all the time. Indeed, her youth should be to her advantage, although he was right that she had no experience in loving a man. But that, too, would be considered a good thing by most men.
And he could teach her what she needed to know.
She warmed as her mind strayed to sharing Ranulf’s bed, but she quickly returned to the obstacles he seemed determined to put between them. Until she understood why he claimed not to want her, she couldn’t hope to become his lover.
She recalled the look in his eyes when she spoke of another woman and there, she felt sure, was the answer. Some foolish, stupid woman had spurned him and made him feel unworthy, and the blow still stung.
How could she make him see that whatever had happened before, the woman had been at fault, not him? He was more than worthy of a woman’s love. She had to make him understand that—and to do that, she must find a way to stay. Shecouldn’tleave here tomorrow.
She turned into the room and looked at the open, unshuttered window and the rain still falling. If it were raining like that in the morning, they wouldn’t be able to depart. Ranulf wouldn’t dare make them set out for Tregellas in a deluge, lest they get stuck in the mud, or otherwise have difficulties. She was, as he had said, the cousin of his best friend’s wife.
As she silently prayed for the rain to continue, she sneezed. Like every other chamber in Penterwell Castle, this one was dusty and dirty and full of cobwebs. It was also empty, save for an upright bed frame leaning against the wall.
She walked farther into the chamber. Yes, this would do for her and Maloren, with a little cleaning. They’d brought their own bedding and linen, and a small, portable table and two stools. She’d also brought her little box of medicines, including one the apothecary had shown her how to make after he’d tended to Merrick’s leg and she’d wondered aloud how Constance might ensure that her husband got some sleep despite the pain.
An idea popped into her head like a gift from heaven or the answer to a prayer. There was one way to ensure that she wouldn’t be leaving first thing in the morning whether it was raining or not, and all it would take was a potion made of poppy seeds slipped into some wine.
Beatrice smiled as her usual good humor returned. The proud and mighty Sir Ranulf was about to discover she wasn’t simply going to surrender without a fight.
CHAPTER SIX
HIS EYES STILL CLOSED, Ranulf groaned as he lay in his bed the next morning. God save him, his head felt as heavy as a lead weight, and his arms, too.
It was as if he were suffering the effects of too much wine, except that he hadn’t had much wine at all last night when Bea had sat beside him at the evening meal, looking lovely and ethereal and hardly saying a word.
How many times had he told himself he wished she would be quiet? Yet it had been distinctly disconcerting having her sit silently beside him throughout an entire meal.
As disturbing as it was having Bea so obviously angry at him, she simply had to go back to Tregellas, taking her avowals of devotion, her bright eyes, her lovely lips and his heart with her. Her anger was easier to bear than the anguish he would feel if she learned the truth about his past.
As for her assumption that a woman had broken his heart, she was right. A woman had. But it was not Celeste’s rejection that made him turn away from Bea now, or think himself unworthy of her innocent devotion. It was the terrible thing he’d done after, and the worse thing he’d done before, when he was still a boy.
No, it was better this way. Bea must not want him and they mustn’t be near each other, lest he give in to temptation. She had to go back to Tregellas.
At least Maloren had looked pleased for once, he thought, trying to find something good about the situation as he threw offthe bear pelt and other coverings and tried to get out of bed. It was as if he were trying to move through mud.
