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“I think so. And I think there might be others, too. On the Internet—I think I’ve found others. Or at least, other people who were inhabited, like Nathan or you. You at least know what happened. And Nathan knows now. But most of them never know. And if Poole’s right, there may be others who’ve been taken over permanently. Someone like me could go into them, and then not leave.”
“So you can stay?” I ask, not believing this is what he’s telling me. Suddenly anything is possible. We’re possible. “Are you saying you can stay?”
“Yes,” he answers. “And no.”
It can’t be both. I don’t want to hear it’s both.
“Which one? What do you mean?”
“There might be a way to stay,” he tells me. “But I can’t. I’ll never be able to stay.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’d be killing them, Rhiannon. When you take over someone’s life, they’re gone forever.”
No. He can’t be saying this. He can’t be saying it’s possible and impossible at the same time.
I can’t deal with it. I can’t. I have to stand up. I can’t be sitting on the floor in the middle of a tree house having this conversation with him.
Once I’m up, I start to boil over. “You can’t do this!” I’m telling him. “You can’t swoop in, bring me here, give me all this—and then say it can’t work. That’s cruel, A. Cruel.”
“I know,” he says. “That’s why this is a first date. That’s why this is the first time we’ve ever met.”
Not fair. This is not pretend. This is life.
“How can you say that?” I ask. “How can you erase everything else?”
He stands up and comes over to me. Even though I’m mad, even though I don’t understand what he’s doing, he wraps his arms around me. It’s not what I want, and I try to tell him I don’t want it. But then I feel the shelter of his closeness and I want it, and I stop trying to pull away.
“He’s a good guy,” A whispers in my ear. “He might even be a great guy. And today’s the day you first met. Today’s your first date. He’s going to remember being in the bookstore. He’s going to remember the first time he saw you, and how he was drawn to you, not just because you’re beautiful, but because he could see your strength. He could see how much you want to be a part of the world. He’ll remember talking with you, how easy it was, how engaging. He’ll remember not wanting it to end, and asking you if you wanted to do something else. He’ll remember your asking him his favorite place, and he’ll remember thinking about here, and wanting to show it to you. The grocery store, the stories in the aisles, the first time you saw his room—that will all be there, and I won’t have to change a single thing. His pulse is my heartbeat. The pulse is the same. I know he will understand you. You have the same kind of heart.”
No. This is not what I want. Can’t he see what I want?
“But what about you?” I ask, my voice stained by my sadness. I can’t keep it away from him.
“You’ll find the things in him that you find in me,” he answers. “Without the complications.”
He says it like it’s easy.
It’s not easy.
“I can’t just switch like that,” I tell him.
His arms draw me closer. “I know. He’ll have to prove it to you. Every day, he’ll have to prove he’s worthy of you. And if he doesn’t, that’s it. But I think he will.”
A’s giving up. Whether or not I want him to, he’s giving up.
“Why are you doing this?” I ask.
“Because I have to go, Rhiannon. For real this time. I have to go far away. There are things I need to find out. And I can’t keep stepping into your life. You need something more than that.”
I know this makes sense. But I don’t want to make sense. I don’t want anything to make sense.
“So this is goodbye?” I ask him.
“It’s goodbye to some things,” he says. “And hello to others.”
—
