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She shakes her head.
But there’s a contradiction here, isn’t there? “You try to leave the lives the way you found them,” I say.
“Yeah.”
“But what about Justin? What made that so different?”
“You.”
I cannot wear that answer. It can’t possibly fit.
“That makes no sense,” I say.
Then, as if to answer my thoughts, she leans in and kisses me. I am not expecting it. I am not expecting the feel of her lips, the chapped roughness. I am not expecting her fingers light against my neck.
I am not sure who I’m kissing.
I’m really not sure.
Because if it’s A, the person who kissed me on the beach, it’s one thing. But if it’s this girl, that’s another. This girl doesn’t want to be kissed by me. This girl isn’t a fairy-tale character who can be cured by a kiss. This girl needs much more help than that. I know.
After a minute of letting it happen, I pull back, even more confused than before.
“This is definitely weird,” I say.
“Why?”
I feel it should be obvious. “Because you’re a girl? Because I still have a boyfriend? Because we’re talking about someone else’s suicide?”
“In your heart, does any of that matter?”
I know the answer she wants. But it’s not the truth.
“Yes,” I tell her. “It does.”
“Which part?”
“All of it. When I kiss you, I’m not actually kissing you, you know. You’re inside there somewhere. But I’m kissing the outside part. And right now, although I can feel you underneath, all I’m getting is the sadness. I’m kissing her, and I want to cry.”
“That’s not what I want.”
“I know. But that’s what there is.”
I can’t stay on the bed. I can’t stay in this conversation. I didn’t come here to talk about us. I came here because we need to save this girl’s life.
I stand up and try to push us back on course.
“If she were bleeding in the street, what would you do?” I ask.
A seems disappointed. I can’t tell whether it’s because I’ve changed the conversation back, or because she knows she has to make the call.
“That’s not the same situation,” she says.
Not good enough. “If she were going to kill someone else?” I challenge.
“I would turn her in.”
Aha. “So how is this different?”
