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Something is wrong, and I feel suddenly scared, small. Ashamed to be standing here nearly naked when West is clothed and closed off. When he sounds so angry.
I start looking around the room for my bra. “You were supposed to open the present first,” I tease. “Who starts with the card?”
“I do. ”
I’ve managed to locate my bra and I’m putting it on, fastening the hooks, when West’s hand closes around my calf. “Caroline. What is this for?”
He asks the question very slowly and deliberately, leaning on every word. Fury etched into the lines of his face.
I can’t imagine what he thinks I’ve done. Charity? Pity?
“The loan. ” And I tell myself not to say more, but I can’t stop talking with his eyes so angry. I babble. “Sorry it’s not more. That’s all I could save in the past six weeks, with Christmas coming. I hope you aren’t one of those people who think a book is a bad present, because I got books for everybody this year. I thought you might like it, though. It’s about the science of bread, and there’s a chapter in there—what?”
He’s softened. The relief in his eyes—in his whole body—is palpable.
“Jeez. West, what did you think it was?”
He doesn’t answer. I wait, and he unwraps the book, flips through the pages. I think if it were in Latin, or blank, he wouldn’t notice. He’s just pulling himself together, and I’m embarrassed to have to stand here and see it happen when he obviously wishes I were somewhere else.
“This is great,” he says, after a long, awkward minute. “Thanks. ” A pause. “You don’t have to pay me back. ”
“Of course I do. ”
He looks up at last. “I’d rather you didn’t. ”
I’m not sure how to answer that. I’m so bewildered, but he sets the book down on the bed and puts his hands at my hips. He pulls me in between his legs and rests his face against my stomach.
“Really,” he says. “Just don’t. ”
His hands slide over my butt. I’m worried about what happened, but West’s hands are soothing. An effective distraction. As I’m sure he knows.
“I didn’t get you anything,” he murmurs.
“That’s okay. ”
“Did I tell you how much I like these panties?”
“These? Why?”
“They’re on you. ”
I exhale a laugh. I’m not sure what to do with my hands, so I rest them on top of his head. “I thought you were going to make me soup. That can be my Christmas present. ”
He hooks a finger in the elastic of my panties, drags them down, follows his finger with his nose. Inhales.
“I got a better idea. ”
I smack his shoulder. One of those smacks that turns into a caress. “West. ”
Something happened. I’d like to press him, but the truth is that I’m afraid to, and he’s got his hands inside my underwear now. His palms are big and warm, his breath a tease that makes me think about his tongue and how I’ve never liked getting oral before but how, with West, everything’s different.
With West, I have a feeling, I’m going to like it.
“Come back to bed,” he orders.
So I do.
And oh my God. I like it.
