"I know you handle rare books like they're made of glass. I know you light up when you talk about history. I know you make this sound in your sleep like you're dreaming about something good." His voice dropped. "I know you feel like home. And I know that terrifies you because you don't think you deserve to take up that much space in someone's life."
Tears burned my eyes. "Stop."
"Why? Because I'm right?" He took a step back. "You're leaving because you're scared. Not of Pemberton, not of losing your job. You're scared of being someone's choice. Of mattering enough that losing you would hurt."
"That's not true."
"Isn't it?" He turned toward his truck. "Your bus leaves in half an hour. I'm not going to stand here and watch you get on it."
"Neil, please."
"Please what, Kim? Please wait while you figure out if I'm worth staying for? Please be here when you decide the professional world isn't enough?" He opened his truck door. "I'm not going to be your backup plan if Boston doesn't work out."
"You're not a backup plan."
"Then what am I? Because from where I'm standing, I'm the guy who wasn't enough to stay for." He climbed into the truck. "Take care of yourself, Kim. I hope you find whatever you're looking for."
I stood there, documents in my arms, watching his truck pull away. I could run after him. Could shout for him to stop. Could choose love over fear, messiness over invisibility. But my feet stayed planted on the concrete.
His truck disappeared around a corner, and I was alone with my responsible choices and the growing certainty that I'd just made the worst mistake of my life.
“I’m coming back,” I said mournfully.
THE BUS RIDE TO THEtrain station took an hour. The train to Boston took four more. I spent the entire time staring out the window, documents on the seat beside me, trying not to think about Neil's face when he drove away.
My apartment in Boston smelled stale when I opened the door. Nothing had changed. My books on the shelves, my notes scattered across the desk, the same coffee cup I'd left in the sink before this trip.
Everything was exactly as I'd left it.
Except I was different. Or I had been, for three days. Now I just felt hollow.
I called the Vermont Historical Society before I could lose my nerve. The director was professional and interested, asking detailed questions about the discovery. Yes, they'd be very interested in partnering on the research. Yes, they understood the significance. Could I bring the documents by their offices tomorrow?
I said yes. Made the appointment. Hung up feeling like I'd accomplished something important.
It didn't feel important. It felt empty.
My phone rang. Pemberton's number.
"Dr. Fox. I trust you're back in Boston?"
"I am. I have the documents."
"Excellent. We'll want to examine them immediately. Bradley is quite excited about the discovery. I've arranged for him to take the lead on documentation and publication."
My stomach dropped. "Bradley? I'm the one who found them."
"Yes, and you'll be credited in the acknowledgments. But Bradley has more experience with Underground Railroad research, and given your recent employment difficulties, the university feels he's better positioned to ensure proper academic standards."
"My employment difficulties? You mean the job abandonment charge you threatened me with?"
"Kim." His voice turned patronizing. "Don't make this more difficult than it needs to be."
He didn’t know just how difficult I could be. “I’ll stop by your office once I get in.” Once I secured the documents in the library and made sure they were properly taken care of. Then Dr. Pemberton was in for the surprise of his life.
NEIL
She was gone.
