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I watched him through all this, feeling myself fall deeper and deeper under his spell. Because through all this, some part of him was always touching some part of me. I stayed constantly aware of his nearness until it got to the point that if he removed his hand for the merest seconds I felt bereft. I came to crave his touch that quickly.
Whether it was the famous hand on my nape holding me in place while he made that phone call. Or rubbing my back while I made mine, the way that hand rested on my ass while he introduced me to his housekeeper while jokingly telling her not to sic his mom on him just yet, (I still don’t know what that meant).
Every little touch that would’ve seemed like nothing more than basic human contact from anyone else, took on new meaning. It was the way they made me feel. The fact that it seemed like he couldn’t resist, and the effortless way in which he did it. Like it was the most natural thing in the world for him to need to be that close to me at all times.
I almost shot out of my chair and made a run for it when the truth finally hit me square in the gut. I’m in love with him. “What is it?” He squeezed my hand but didn’t look up at me. How had he known? When I didn’t answer he squeezed my hand and finally looked at me. I felt… not trapped exactly, but there was something approaching fear crawling up my lungs from my gut.
“I… nothing.” Suddenly I felt like crying. He squeezed my hand again and went back to reading the paper and I thought, ‘oh well, he’s just like every other man I’ve ever heard of. Inattentive and stupid. And then, “Don’t worry. It’ll get easier.” He said the words so matter-of-factly I didn’t catch his meaning at first.
“What will?” There was a lump in my throat and my heart was in danger of breaking apart in my chest. Wasn’t love supposed to be soft and light and sweet? Maybe this wasn’t love after all. So why did it feel like I’d die if he left me? This was so confusing. How can something this huge jump out of nowhere at you? Without warning, without buildup?
“That feeling like you’re drowning, like you don’t know who you are anymore, and someone else is the most important thing in your life. Like you need them more than air.” He flipped the page like we were having just your average everyday conversation. Then another thought hit me and jealousy once again raised its ugly head.
“Have you felt this before?” The words came out much softer than I’d intended, barely above a whisper. He turned and looked me in the eye this time. “First time; good to know I’m not doing it alone. Come.” He used my hand to pull me up from my chair and bring me over to his lap. Once settled he wrapped his arms around me and we both sat and looked out at the Hollywood Hills, his newspaper forgotten.
21
Emily
He’s the most hardheaded, unfeeling jackass there ever was. How can one man be such a monumental pain in the ass? It’s been three days and I still haven’t been home. I told him I needed to go check on mother but he refused to let me leave. “You can’t coddle her Emily, she’s a grown woman who like you had a hard knock, but treating her like a child isn’t gonna help.”
We argued about that, well I argued, he pretended to listen and still wouldn’t let me leave. At least he let me call to see if she was still alive. When I tried bringing it up throughout the day, he’d take me to bed until I was too tired to think and I just stopped even mentioning it.
I didn’t have anything to wear, so spent those days in one or the other of his shirts. We didn’t leave the house and he’d barely allowed me five minutes to talk to Simone when I returned her call, after he threatened her of course with what he’d do to her if she ever got me into trouble again. They had some kind of whispered exchange which I couldn’t hear, but when he gave me back the phone she was laughing her ass off and refused to tell me what was said.
Now it’s Monday again and he has no choice but to go back to work and I needed to go home if only for a change of clothes. He was in a bad mood all morning as we got dressed to leave the house. Me in one of his large shirts that covered my thighs almost to my knees, with one of his belts tied around my middle. I rolled my eyes for the one hundredth time at his craziness.
