Then he’d received this note from Charlotte, who was too perceptive by half. He supposed he was lucky she was only just starting to socialize after mourning her late husband, or else the widow would likely be lording it over him in person. She was full of praise for Althea, both personally and professionally, and noted some highlights of their first few months in partnership with the Bath store. It had done every bit as well as Evan had anticipated, and then some.
He riffled the foolscap once again.If ’twere anyone else, I’d be happy for the investor and the shop owner. The investment did not meet my criteria, but I matched another successful partnership.Why, then, was he so disgruntled at the update? And Charlotte said they were already contemplating further expansion. He was excited for Althea’s success. Really, he was.
He scanned the letter again.
The last lines niggled at him. He’d had a few conversations with Charlotte these past months, both in person when he called on her to offer his condolences and by letter. She’d never been one to wallow in her widowhood, despite it being obvious that she missed Charles desperately.
I look forward to having these conversations and friendly competitions in person again soon. As you know, women must be that much more careful than men about observing society’s rules.
His eyes narrowed. ’Twas as though she knew Althea’s concern about being seen with him. Just how close had the two women become? He shook his head.
Why had he thought it was a good idea to introduce them? Oh, right—because he assumed he’d be in a relationship of some sort with Althea and ’twould be nice to have the two women he spent the most time with be on friendly terms. Instead, he was odd man out. Which was…unsettling. He could not recall the last time he’d not been in the inner circle of any social gathering, group, or otherwise.
He’d spent enough time with Charlotte to read between the lines. Not one to waste words, she’d effectively let him know that not only were rules different for women, but women’s concerns were different than men’s, and behavior might follow that. In short, she, too, believed that a public relationship with him could affect Althea’s sales.
His conscience twinged, as it had countless times since the demi-monde party, at the words he had thrown at Althea when their bodies were still damp from lovemaking.
And making love it was. He knew with the ironic clarity of a broken heart that he’d loved her and still did. He’d behaved badly to hide his vulnerability. But with every visit home now a futile search for his mother in the body living in the dower house, his fear lingered. He dreaded being hurt, but also hated the thought of causing someone the same pain he felt watching his mother leave him even as she stood before him.
He looked beyond the letter in his hands to the one sitting on his desk. He had not felt brave enough to open it when the nurse first gave it to him, then there had been the party and Althea, and here he was, still staring at it more than a month later. Yet another thing he dreaded. Wouldn’t all those panderers from the Ton who vied for his attention like he was a minor deity laugh if they knew? Just as they’d have been appalled at his lack of interest in copulation.
It seemed Althea had cured him of the latter, but only he could solve the former.
Reaching forward, he cracked the wax seal and sucked in a sharp breath at his mother’s handwriting.
Chapter Eighteen
My darling Evan,
I don’t know where I’ll be when you read this. Given my memories of my father, I could be long gone, even as my shell of a body sits with you hand in hand. For that, I am sorry. If I could spare you this experience, I would. Sometimes I contemplate hoarding laudanum, but I confess I am selfish. I want these last months with you. Even if I may not end up aware of them, I value the idea of them in my heart now.
I am so grateful Lucy suggested this letter. ’Twould have been lovely to have such a letter from my father. My hope is that it helps you.
In that vein, let me share my wishes with you and suggestions from my own experience.
Please do not feel guilty if you get frustrated. Even in my father’s final months, I’d continue to search for lucidity in every visit. ’Tis difficult, mayhap impossible, to reconcile this person who acts like a stranger with the parent you remember. ’Tis natural to feel anger, despair, shame, and all sorts of other emotions. Absolve yourself. In case you need the words, I understand, and I forgive you.
Evan sniffed back tears and looked away, only to be inexorably drawn back.
Please live your life. Oh, of course I adore your visits whilst I knowyou and the current world, but when I cannot, go and enjoy yourself. Find someone to love and have fun. When I no longer have the words, I trust this letter will remind you. Your devotion is apparent in many ways even when you are not present, not the least of which is the care with which you select the lovely ladies to help me. But if I do not recognize you, do not torture yourself with visits. I promise I shall know in my heart that you love me.
Last and most important, do not waste time worrying about this illness and your future. If you stew, you shan’t fully embrace all the hard work you’ve done to make this life so wonderful for our family. Find your happiness and enjoy it for however long it lasts.
Look to your father’s circumstance. He died far too young in a racing accident, not from any mind-wasting illness. Remember, this condition does not happen to every family member. I hope that you of all people—who loves to gamble with money, weighing risks and rewards of investments—will see that the rewards of love far outweigh the risks. I have worried these past years that you were unwilling to take a chance on marriage because of this disease.
Aside from the need for heirs, I wish love and a family for you. The greatest happiness of my life was my time with your father and you. Can you imagine if I did not have that to look back on as a legacy? Raising such an incredible young man, smart as a whip, who took the reins of the family far too young, yet so deftly. More than that, loving your father, having a partner through thick and thin, holding you in my arms, watching you grow. Those are things I want for everyone in this world—except maybe that nasty cousin in the south…ah, see, you can still smile—and especially you. You deserve all that and more.
You don’t deserve to be held back by me or fear of this disease. Ignore it, and me as needed, and go find your happiness.
My love always,
Mama
Evan gave up trying to remain stoic. He lowered his head across his arms on the desk and sobbed.
****
Althea had pretended to ignore Beth’s nocturnal comings and goings. She supposed she should ask if ’twas Robert her cousin was sneaking off to see, but she could not bring herself to care. Nor did she want to expose herself any further to the younger woman’s happiness. As it was, she could barely look at Beth’s exuberant countenance some days.
