If I could, I’d tell Penny how sorry I was, how I heard her voice in my head with every mistake I made—wrote her all those letters but didn’t send them because I knew what she’d say back. She was my conscience, I guess you’d call it. But she didn’t want to hear it.
“I can live out in the barn,” I told Papa. “Where the hired hands were. I’ll fix it up. That way, Penny won’t have to...”See me, I was going to say, but Papa shook his head.
“You are my daughter, just as she is,Liebchen. You’ll sleep in your old room.”
“But when the baby comes—”
That’s when Penny turned a queer shade of purple and ran up the stairs to her room.
“Don’t worry. She’ll come around,” Papa said, but I wasn’t so sure. There’s nothing like a hopping-mad German woman for giving the cold shoulder, and I felt the freeze coming off Penny even as the snow melted and the spring sun warmed the fields. Her silent anger reminded me each day that I hadn’t paid my debt to my father, that I didn’t deserve his mercy.
I was thankful the wedding had her in such a tizzy. Her dress. The house. The luncheon and cake. I tried to help, but everythingI did was wrong. That much hadn’t changed. Robert Thomas was clearly gaga over my sister, even when she carped about all she had to do with no help at all, giving me the side-eye. I caught him giving me a sympathetic glance after one of Penny’s stinging remarks had me brushing away tears.
To give Penny her due, I think the part that had her in such a lather was leaving Papa. She and Robert Thomas had one whirlwind romance, from what I’d heard. And that wasn’t like the Penny I knew. And then, when Robert got the job in Minneapolis, I thought for a few days that she was going to call the whole thing off.
“How will you take care of Papa and the house?” she fussed at me, giving my middle—now starting to show—a glare. “In your condition?”
In my condition.I’d heard that phrase enough times to sink a sailboat.
Overnight, it seemed my dresses didn’t fit anymore. They stretched tight over my belly, the bump as plain as a cat under a blanket. I didn’t ask for new clothes. I couldn’t, with how little we had in the way of money. I took to remaking the dresses I had in my closet, but letting out seams would hardly make do much longer.
Then, a few days before the wedding, Papa came home with a package wrapped in brown paper. “I hope it fits,Liebchen.”
I unwrapped it to find a soft green dress, midcalf, a wraparound style to accommodate my growing belly. Bright embroidery on the square neckline and belt matched the trim on the deep hem. “It’s beautiful, Papa.” I felt tears prick my eyes—not unusual these days. I’d given up fighting the waterworks.
He shoved his hands in his pockets with a smile like Christmas morning. “Go on, there’s more.”
Under the dress was a carefully wrapped hat—last year’s style, but I didn’t mind—and a matching swing jacket in lightweight wool.
I leaned over and kissed Papa’s cheek, scratchy with graying stubble. “Thank you.” I didn’t deserve this, any of it.
Penny picked up the packaging, her lips thinning in that way of hers. “Where did you get this? Not from town?”
“Ja, at the dress shop. Frau Fischer picked it out. Helpful as anything.” Papa gathered up the strewn brown paper and tissue.
Penny’s face had gone white. “Mrs. Fischer? So the whole town—they know about her... condition?” She looked at me as if I were a toad she’d found sitting in the butter. A pregnant toad. “Papa! At least you could have waited until after the wedding.”
“Liebchen.”Papa took Penny’s hand. “That’s why she needs it. For the wedding.”
Penny made a choking sound and stomped out of the room.
My throat had a lump as big as a goose egg, but I didn’t blame her a bit. Of course, Penny wanted to be the star of her big day—instead of her pregnant, unmarried sister. The shame of the family. I gathered up my new things and put them away, wishing I could make it up to Penny, but knowing I never could.
I still thought of it like that—like I had a lot to make up for. Like I didn’t deserve Papa’s love or to live in the house with him. But I was learning to believe him when he said he loved me, and that’s all that mattered. I got up each morning trying to remember that. Some days I did better than others.
The morning of the wedding, I wore my new dress for the first time. I admit, it was a dream to have a pretty frock, and the wraparound skirt was far more comfortable than my remade dresses. But Penny was like an angry bee buzzing through the house ready to sting anyone in her path. Robert’s mother had come early tohelp her dress and do her hair and makeup, and Penny shooed me away like I was an embarrassment. Of course, I was. Maybe I’d feel the same way if I were in her sensible ivory lace-ups, but it still hurt that she didn’t want my help. I escaped outside and gathered all the lilacs I could find, Mama’s favorite. Maybe they’d make her feel like Mama was watching over her today.
An hour before the ceremony, I’d arranged them in vases and the house smelled like heaven. I was moving the dining chairs into the parlor when Penny simply went loony.
“Minnie, stop this instant!”
I looked at the setup. It seemed right to me. We’d have about twenty people, and with the hall bench and the kitchen chairs, we should be able to seat them all. But she stood, red-faced, in her bridal dress, her hands clenched at her sides.
“What’s wrong with it?” I’d do whatever she asked, even if it meant arranging the chairs upside down. It was her big day, after all.
“Everything is wrong,” she said through clenched teeth.
Papa appeared in the doorway.“Liebchen—”
