“Grandma, you don’t have to get me anything.”
“Think of it as a homecoming present of sorts.”
“That’s so sweet.”
At that exact moment the doorbell rang. “Oh, he’s already there.”
Elsie froze. “What do you meanhe? You saidit.” Elsie closed her eyes. “You got me a secondhim?”
“How many hims are there?” Rhett said, but she ignored him. He leaned back against the island watching the show like the latest rom-com.
“Of course I did. Clearly, Huey didn’t get the job done and you need an orgasm in your life.”
“If you need help with that, I know a guy,” Rhett said, and she shushed him.
“Your shoulders are up to your ears all the time,” Harriet went on. “And your mouth is pinched. So I’m sending in the B team. And he has massive hands, looks like a bricklayer with the mind of a scholar. Also, played football in college, so there aren’t any doubts about how he ranks in that department.”
“Grandma!”
“Ding dong, Red,” Rhett said. “Twenty bucks says he’s got a man bun.”
“Says the guy dressed like a frat boy.”
He looked down and frowned. “So I like vintage rock shirts. They’re my trademark.”
Funny, she thought his trademark was his ass.
“I don’t need a man,” she said to Harriet. “I have my own job, make my own money. Own my own house.” She cupped her hand over the mouthpiece so Harriet couldn’t hear, and whispered to Rhett, “And I can give myself an orgasm whenever I want.”
“That sounds better than the fashion show. Let me know when and where and I’ll bring the popcorn.”
Elsie sent him a long glare. The doorbell rang a second time and she looked down at herself. She was still dressed for the success that she didn’t achieve today. She sighed. “Grandma, this is a bad time.”
“There’s never a bad time for love.”
While Elsie could argue a case against that ill-founded statement, she was more concerned with who was at the door, which rang for a third time. Before she could grab his arm, Rhett was on the move.
She heard a distant, “Who are you,” then a returned, “I’m Elsie’s date. Who are you?”
She could almost hear Rhett’s chest puff out. “What are your plans and what time are you bringing her home?”
She was not in any mental or emotional state for this date. But she couldn’t stomach the idea of standing that poor guy up. She knew what it felt like to be disappointed and would never do that to someone else. Plus, if she went out with Mr.B-team then maybe her grandma would let up on the dating thing.
“Fine, I’ll go, but if the B-team can’t bring it, I have zero interest in a C-team. Deal?”
“Why bring in another gentleman when this one fits you so well,” Harriet said. “He works at the university, loves animals, and doesn’t know how to play a single instrument.”
“We’re going to a music festival and I’m not sure,” she heard B-team say to Rhett.
So much for a no-music date. “While that’s all nice, you didn’t answer the question,” Elsie pointed out.
Harriet did not make her stance clear on the topic, but in the background Rhett was making his opinions crystal clear.
“I know that festival, know the kind of date that can take place there. Who’s your designated driver?”
Feeling bad that B-team was being interrogated by the fun gestapo and knowing just how far Rhett would go, Elsie hopped off the counter. “Grandma, I gotta go. No more dates from this day forward. Understood?” Before Harriet could give her advice on how to relax her pelvic floor for better sex, Elsie disconnected.
“I’m only going to have a few,” B-Team said.
