“Money isn’t the same as memories. Or a house full of them.” She waved the scooper around and melted ice cream splattered Teagan’s top. It was one of those sorry not sorry situations.
“Nonna left you the car because she knew how much you loved riding in it. How do the girls say it? ‘With the rag top down so your hair can blow’?”
“Before you go air-quoting yourself into carpal tunnel, know that you are in possession of the world’s smallest violin.” Harley drew her pointer over her thumb for effect. “Did you ever think, maybe I wanted a home?”
“Then maybe, go back to LA, to your adult career, where you can save money and buy yourself one.”
“I do have an adult job. I’m a branding expert. Without me, your little bread business would be a two-oven variety.”
“Now, I’m going to be a commercial kitchen bread business, which will eat up my nest egg. Did you know that eighty percent of food industry businesses fail in the first year? And while I’m trying to turn a profit, I’ll have to pay Frank alimony because he was never able to hold down a job.”
“Forgive me if I roll my eyes. He might be aflake,but you’ve had ten years of love. A lifetime of love. Dad taught me zilch about love. Or, for that matter, family dynamics, money management,” she ticked off, “running a business, making lasting relationships. You had daily support and strong role models. I have a shot glass collection from all fifty states. Nearly fifteen years and Dad and I made it to all fifty states. Do the math,” she said. “Are you so self-absorbed that you can’t see all I have is a car and a bunch of signatures from retired rock stars?”
Teagan’s tone lost some of its bite. “You used to brag about your adventures with Dad.”
“Do you ever wonder why I call him Dale? Because he was a pretty absent dad. I mean, he tried, but he was always so caught up in the next job. His hope to land his pass to fame. Women. ‘The Life.’” She used her own air quotes. “I came second, Tee. Just like with Mom. Just like with you, but I came second every single day.”
“I didn’t know.”
“You never asked.” Harley pushed aside the carton, her heart too sad for comfort food. “God, all I wanted was to be you. To be a part of something permanent.”
“When you came for visits, you couldn’t sit still. You were always in motion and talking about the next big Dad Adventure.”
“Because I knew my being here changed things, and I didn’t want to impose or make you guys feel obligated to entertain me. The aquarium, beach days, trips to tourist locations.”
It had been exhausting for Harley, always keeping up pretenses. She could only imagine how tiring it must be to make every day feel like a vacation for a longtime visitor. So Harley had done a lot of things on her own, feigned having friends, done whatever she could to make sure she wasn’t in the way.
“Did I make you feel like that?” Teagan asked and Harley shrugged.
It wasn’t just Dale who’d taught her that she wasn’t enough. Harley had spent a lifetime coming in second to everyone in her family. Harley always thought that somehow Nonna Rose, in all her wisdom, knew what a sad child Harley had been. How displaced and overlooked she’d felt growing up. Then Nonna passed. Left everything of meaning to Teagan and the twins, and Harley felt like that misunderstood kid all over again.
“You were a jerk,” she said, looking away so Teagan wouldn’t see just how difficult it was for her to talk about things she’d tried really hard to overcome. More like bury. She didn’t like to think about those feelings much less talk about them. “And Mom would get super distant at the end of my stays.”
Teagan moved closer, resting her arms on the island top. “It wasn’t you. It was Dad. He made things hard.”
“Who cared what it was? I was a kid. I didn’t understand.” She let out a wary breath. Her goal in coming here was to heal so that maybe, one day, she’d be whole enough to last more than six months in a single location. “Look, I didn’t come back to argue. I screwed up in Seattle. Big time. But you have too, and I forgive you. Why is it so hard for you to forgive me?”
Teagan must have sensed the raw ache Harley was feeling because her expression softened. “I’m just mad. At myself about how I handled tonight.”
“So you get to take it out on me?”
Teagan shook her head. “No. I don’t.”
“I don’t want to fight. I just want a place in your life, wherever that might be.”
“You are in my life. You and your dirty dishes and your death trap,” she teased but Harley had a hard time seeing the humor through the hurt.
“See, that’s what I’m talking about. I’m in your schedule. Not really in your life.”
“What does that even mean?”
“You’re so busy trying to fit me into some category to make our relationship nice and tidy, you don’t even see how that makes me feel.”
Rehashing old issues brought up things better left alone. They made Harley want to run. But if she ever wanted a healthy relationship with her big sister, this was the moment. She had to be brave and see it through, no matter how hard. “About that last night in Seattle, I left because I was ashamed that I didn’t know how bad Frank’s gambling problem had become. I’m your sister and I should have known. That’s on me. Blaming me for everything wrong in your life, that’s on you.”
In the past, Harley would have internalized the blame. But Bryan had showed her how to be open, share the weight, trust that the people who loved you could shoulder it. Except that when he’d been open and shared his feelings, and it came time to handle his feelings, she’d bolted. Partly because she was scared. She’d rather walk away of her own accord than know what it would feel like if Bryan put her second. With his close-knit family, and her commitment issues, it was only a matter of time. Which was why she’d walked away.
“I realize I don’t just get to make big promises. I have to earn your trust,” Harley said. “But know I’m really trying because I want to fix whatever is broken between us. Mom and Dale made a decision based on anger that broke our sister bond. Now it’s up to us.” Scooper loaded with ice cream, Harley held it out like a Bianchi olive branch. “We can’t change the past, but we can choose to make different decisions. And I’m going to need you to be a little patient, because I don’t want to make the wrong one.”
