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“I did it, you know. I put him out of his misery. I killed him.” He locked gazes with her and sat down. “I did it because he asked me to, and I’d expect someone to do the same thing for me if I asked. But I have nightmares. Every. Fucking. Night. I relive it, every night. So why the hell would I want to tell you about it, so you can relive it, too? I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. Especially not you.”
She crawled across the bed and onto his lap. Straddling him, she hugged him. Just…hugged him. Because he seemed like he really needed a hug, and she wished she hadn’t started this conversation in the first place. “I’m so sorry. So sorry you had to do that, and even sorrier that I kind of, sort of, forced you to tell me.”
For a second, his arms hovered at his sides, as if he didn’t know how to hug someone back. But then closed his arms around her and squeezed, letting out a broken breath. He buried his face in her neck and shook his head slightly. “I’m sorry I yelled at you. I…I didn’t mean to.”
“Shh.” She rubbed his back, not daring to move. Not just then. He’d opened up to her, and then he’d stayed. That was huge, and she knew it. “It’s okay.”
He set his hands on her shoulders and tugged her back. “It’s not…not really. You have a right to know, if we’re going to make this thing between us real. You should know how much of a mess you’re getting into.”
Swallowing hard, she nodded. “Okay. Yeah. But I don’t think you’re a mess. And I never will. I think you’ve been through a lot, seen a lot, but that doesn’t make you a mess. Or a bad guy. It makes you a hero.”
He flexed his jaw. “Hell no. I’m not one of those.”
“We’ll have to agree to disagree.” She forced a smile. “Because you’ll never get me to change my mind.”
“Now that you know what I did—who I am—do you…?” He cleared his throat and swallowed. “Do you still want to try this? Because I’m not kidding when I say I have nightmares. I do.”
Her heart twisted, but she forced her smile to remain firmly in place. “I drool. A lot.”
“Uh?” he blinked. “That’s not even close to the same thing.”
Shaking her head, she somehow managed to look dead serious. “Sure it is. Wait till you roll over into a puddle of it in the middle of the night. Then say that it’s not a deal breaker for you.”
For a second, he stared at her. Then he laughed, and all of the worry and tension faded away. “Shit. What the hell am I getting myself into?”
“I don’t know. You might want to run while you can.”
“Uh uh.” He tugged her until she laid flat on her back, and trailed his fingers down her bare skin. In all the emotions of the past few minutes, she’d forgotten that she was naked…while he no longer was. “I don’t scare off that easily.”
Her muscles clenched at his touch. “Are you sure?”
“Yes.” He splayed his hand across her stomach. “It might be crazy to think that something like this could actually work, but you’re stuck with me. I’m not going anywhere.”
“Why would it be crazy?” she asked softly. He watched her, but wasn’t really there. He seemed lost in thought. “What’s so crazy about us being together?”
“You’re shiny and clean. Wholesome and new.” Gently, he trailed his thumb over her lower lip. “And I’m…not. Not even close. The two pieces don’t fit together.”
She shook her head. “That’s where I think you’re wrong.”
“That doesn’t make you right.”
“One of us is,” she argued, flicking her tongue out at his thumb. “It might as well be me.”
His thumb pressed against her mouth. “Might as well be.” Leaning down, he kissed her. By the time he pulled back, she was even more certain she was right. He lay down beside her again, staring up at the unmoving ceiling fan. “Lydia?”
She blinked sleepily. “Yeah?”
“Thank
you.” His fingers tightened on her. “Thank you…for making me talk. And for listening, without judging.”
“I’d never judge you for something you’ve done. Or anything you do.”
He flexed his jaw. “You have no idea what you’re saying right now.”
“Actually, I do. And I mean every word.”
Sighing, he rolled to his feet and stood. “I have to go. You should get some rest.”
