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She shook her head. “No. Don’t say that. I was worried about you, and did what I had to do to keep you with me. Is that so bad?”
“Since you lied about it?” He dragged his hand through his hair. “Yes. It’s that bad. You lied to me. You know how important honesty is to me, but you smiled and lied more. This whole thing was a way to keep me by your side, and nothing more.”
“No. It was real.” Her lower lip trembled, and she bit down on it. “It was all real.”
“The funny thing about lies? They break trust.” He let out a short laugh. “I don’t fucking believe you anymore.”
“What was I supposed to say?” she cried. “That I was worried you might be drinking yourself into a grave? That I asked you to stay with me because you might hurt yourself? That I couldn’t bear the thought of you doing anything to harm yourself, so I did the one thing guaranteed to make you hate me? That it was worth the risk?”
He staggered back. “I would never do anything like that. If you think I would, you don’t know me at all. You never did.”
She lowered her lashes, tears streaming down her ghostly pale cheeks. “I was worried about you. I…I love you. And I—”
“Don’t.” The word came out strained. Weak. And that pissed him off. “Don’t even think about using that against me. Not now.” That came out a hell of a lot stronger.
Good. He needed strength to do what came next.
She bit down on her lower lip even harder to stop it from trembling. It didn’t work. “If you don’t believe anything else, you have to believe that, at least. Hate me. Love me. Do what you want, but I love you. And I won’t stop.”
Something pierced through him. It seemed so real, so there, that he actually glanced down to see what it was. There was, of course, nothing there. What he felt was the loss of what might have been. The loss of her. “We’re done.”
“No. No, no, no.” She doubled over and pressed a hand to her heart. Did she feel the same penetrating pain he did? “Don’t say that.”
He swallowed hard. She was looking at him like he ripped her heart out and stomped on it. And maybe he did. But that was only fair. She’d done it to him, too. She’d taken the one person in this world he trusted—the one person who he thought he could count on to be real with him—and ripped her out of his arms.
There was no coming back from that.
She was no better than the superior officer who lied to him.
“You’re just like him.”
She shifted on her feet. “Like who? Holt?”
“No. He lied and my men—” He stalked toward her, but forced himself to stop. If he touched her, he wasn’t sure what would happen. And he was done talking about what happened to him. Done opening up to her, when she clearly didn’t care. “You know what? I’m done here. Good-bye, Lauren.”
She shook her head. “Steven.”
“The last time I lost everything because of a lie, I swore to never forgive”—he pointed at her—“a liar. That’s you. I know you don’t get it, and you probably think I’m being harsh. But there are some lines I can’t cross anymore. For my sanity, so that I can get through the next day—trusting the people I have in my life—that’s what is most important. And I stand by that promise I made.”
“I’m sorry.” When he tried to walk past her, she threw herself in his arms and hugged him, holding on tight. “I refuse to let you go. I’m sorry, and I shouldn’t have lied, but I love you. Don’t push me away. Don’t do this.”
He ached to wrap his arms around her and hug her close. Tell her he forgave her, that he would forgive her for anything. But he didn’t, because he didn’t.
He shouldn’t be so surprised it was ending like this. He knew deep down, all along, that he didn’t deserve a happy ending. It was fitting he wasn’t getting one.
Gripping her shoulders, he tugged her off and set her down, at arm’s length. “Don’t follow me. Don’t call me. Just leave me the hell alone.”
Then he stormed past her.
She let him this time.
“You promised,” she called out, her voice laced with pain—that he caused her. He didn’t have a fucking clue what to do with that yet. With any of this. “You promised you’d never leave me.”
He stiffened, his fists clenched tight, and his jaw even tighter. “And you promised you wouldn’t lie to me.” He took another step. “Guess we’re even.”
A small, broken sound escaped her. “If you leave now, if you walk away from me, I…I won’t let you back in. I won’t forgive you. This was the one thing I was scared of, and you promised you wouldn’t let it happen. I trusted you
. So if you do this…” She choked on a sob. “I’ll never forgive you. Only walk away if you’re ready to accept that.”
