“But your interview—”
“I already sent a text to reschedule.”
I glanced into the store, around the small parking lot, down at my feet. Anything not to meet his eyes. I’d decided first thing that morning not to discuss last night unless and until he brought it up. Given our second day of barely speaking, it appeared he’d made the same decision. But avoiding the elephant parked in the back seat of the car with us had exhausted me. I didn’t know how I could do it for a few more minutes, let alone another few hours or possibly days. Like it or not, we had to clear the air.
“About last night—” we both said at the same time.
“Finally,” he said, “we’re on the same page.”
I hoped that was true. I stepped down off the curb and joined him beside the rental car, leaning against the back driver’s side window while he leaned on the front. “You go first.”
“Okay. First, I need to say I’m sorry.”
That was not what I’d hoped to hear. “I’m not sorry. Frankly, I’m happy for the closure. And also, it was pretty… I mean, I haven’t dated in a while, and it… From a purely physical perspective…” I covered my face with my hand. “I’m not describing this well.”
“It’s okay.” He quirked up one side of his mouth. “I get the concept of super-horny.”
I blushed. “Did I say super?”
“You implied super.”
“But it’s not like I was going to jump the next attractive guy I saw or something. We were always good at that part of the relationship.”
“Yes, we were. And still are.”
I stared at his mouth, wondering how wrong it would be to kiss him right now, seeing as we were admitting to how good last night had been.
“I feel the same way about it giving us closure,” he said. “It’s definitely a better way to say goodbye than last time. But I was saying sorry because I was careless. About protection.”
“Protec—oh, did I not say I’m still on the pill?” I rubbed my hand over my forehead. “I could have sworn I told you.”
He shook his head. “But it’s on me. I didn’t ask. You knew we were being safe. I didn’t. But reason just flew out the window the second you…” He closed his eyes, maybe to remember more clearly, or maybe hoping to forget. “I get stupid when I’m around you. It’s no excuse, just the reality. It’s always been that way for me. So, I’m sorry.” He took a step back, signaling the end of our conversation but also putting more distance between us.
“What’s that sports term? No harm, no foul.” And no way should we spend any more time together. “Listen, I know the original end goal of the mission was to deliver me to Mai, but if she trusts the people she’s sending for me, I trust them. You should get back to your life. Keep your interview.”
“Like I said, I don’t know them, so this is nonnegotiable. I screw up most things, but this won’t be one of them.”
“Screw up?” Was that the vice admiral’s voice I heard behind those words?
Mai had confided in me many times over the years that she knew how differently her dad had treated them. She’d been offended that he’d obviously held her to a lower standard than her younger brother because she was a girl. I’d been so righteously indignant on her behalf, but I hadn’t stopped to consider what that must have done to Ben. Even when we’d dated, we’d never discussed it. Then again, we had spent more time naked than clothed that summer, so there weren’t a lot of topics we’d discussed in depth.
“You interrupted your whole life to help me,” I reminded him now. “You’re a good man, Ben, and I’m truly grateful. But I’ve taken up enough of your time.”
He straightened and peered down at me, brooking no refusal. “One thing I always do right is finish a mission, and until you’re safe, this one isn’t done.” He walked around to my side of the car and opened the door. When he spoke again, his tone was softer. “Please let me do this.”
I followed him and slid into the passenger seat and clicked on my seat belt. He closed the door firmly, putting a fine point on the agreement. Mission aside, I wanted to make him see the truth about himself, but when he climbed into the driver’s seat, I knew the moment had passed. And there was something else, something now so obvious that I’d never before wanted to see. There was a piece of Ben that was broken. I hadn’t done the damage, and I didn’t know how to fix it.
14
BEN
Savannah and I waited in our rental car on the shadowy edge of a quiet, rural airport. I was on high alert, per usual, but I wasn’t too concerned about our safety. I’d taken off and landed many times on airfields like this one when going to or coming back from clandestine missions. I was becoming suspicious, though, that my sister was still up to her eyeballs in secret ops, if this was the place her teammates would meet us.
Savannah plucked at the knee of her jeans. To a civilian, this plave must look pretty sketchy.
“It’s fine,” I assured her. “Our ride is probably one of the two planes that have landed in the last fifteen minutes.”
“I know. In my mind, I know it’s safe. Mai set this up, and you’re still here… Thank you for still being here.”
