“Are you okay?” Brilliant, but we had to start somewhere.
He scrubbed a hand over his jaw. “Can we do this in here? I won’t touch you if you don’t want me to, but I need to lie down.”
“Why wouldn’t I want you to touch me?” I followed him into the room. “I mean, we should probably talk, but I’m not trying to keep my distance. Unless you need space.”
He lay down on the bed and opened his arms. “I need to hold you, unless you hate me for being such an asshole earlier.”
“No one thinks that.” I crawled into his arms. It felt like home. We both sighed. “Did you speak to Mai?”
“Just to tell her to go away.”
I turned into him. “She loves you, Ben. Your whole family does.”
He nodded slowly. “I love them, too. But Idoneed space fromthem.”
“Being stationed on the opposite coast and constantly deploying didn’t give you enough space?”
He didn’t answer.
I didn’t know what to say next. It’s not like I was an expert on families. Mine had fallen apart the day my dad died of an unexpected, massive heart attack when I was fourteen. My mom had barely held herself together after that, let alone our little unit. Maybe because I’d had so little with my family, I could see how he had so much. In high school, I’d thought their lives were perfect. But there was no such thing. I’d figured that out by the summer I’d dated Ben. I’d been an outsider that this family had lovingly invited in, but I’d realized he’d been the insider that had always hung on the fringe.
He ran his fingers over my shoulder. “You’re quiet.”
“I’m thinking.”
“You’re good at that. Anything you want to share?”
I splayed my hand on his bare chest, over the steady beat of his heart. “If we were to date, what’s the worst that could happen?”
“Are you asking for a risk analysis of the potential for nuclear war?”
I poked his side. “I’m serious. From an emotional standpoint, what’s the worst that could happen?”
“Hmm, I love it when you use four-syllable words. Or maybe it’s four-letter words.”
“Stop deflecting.”
He blew out a long breath. “Okay, the lady wantsserious. Worst case, I’d live up—or down—to being Three-Be Ben. I’d cut and run and break your heart again.”
“And yours wouldn’t break?”
“Of course, it would. But you asked for worst-case. That’s always going to be anything bad happening to you.”
I blinked back tears. “I don’t know why you don’t understand, you feeling that way is exactly what makes you a good bet.” I took a deep breath to collect myself. “But start there. Let’s say you break my heart.” I propped myself up on my elbow and stared down at him. “Then what?”
“Then…” He traced his fingers down my side. “I hate myself.”
“And what happens to me?”
“You probably do what you did last time. Survive. Start a new life. Move a couple thousand miles away and build an empire.”
I kissed his chest.
He sighed. “Point taken. You’re not glass, you won’t shatter, you’ll sing ‘I Will Survive’ at every karaoke bar from here to California, and then you’ll get on with your life.” He turned toward me and pressed his forehead to mine. “But I’llstill fucking hate myself for causing you more pain. You don’t deserve it.”
“Do you know anyone who does?”
“Devlin jumps to mind. And whoever is working with him to bankrupt your company. And the Aussie asshole—”
