The clubhouse was quiet and solemn that night. A few people came over to offer their condolences to me, but most converged around a prospect named Jimmy, shaking his hand and clapping his shoulder. Just about all the ol’ladies had gone up and spoken to him as well, some giving him a hug and a kiss on the cheek under the watchful eyes of their men.
I sat at the bar, and for the first time in my life, I ignored the townies. I thought about Daisy and how she was reacting. Normally, she’d yell at me, lay into me about growing up, and ask how I could do this to her if I really loved her? I’d sweet-talk her into bed and she’d forgive me. But now she wasn’t here to yell at me. She was lying in a hospital bed, staring at a dead baby.
In the end, Daisy stayed in the hospital for days. The nurses there gave me dirty looks when they realised that Daisy’s husband was me and not the prospect who brought her in. Daisy still didn’t talk to me. Every time I visited, she’d be watching Junior, gently stroking his cheek with tears silently falling down her face.
I tried to apologise, but each time, my words got stuck in my throat. So I brought flowers and all the jewelry I had stashed. Shaquilla, the flower shop owner, was a townie regular who was surprised to find out I was married. She was also one of the friends who looked after Delilah that night of sex. She had no qualms about charging me double for each bunch of flowers and giving me the stink-eye every time I saw her. I couldn’t argue because she’d just sneer and say something about what a fantastic husband I was to have to get flowers every day for my sweet wife while she recovered. I saw Delilah once. Turned out her name wasn’t even Delilah, but Dani something. She ran away from me.
Daisy wasn’t ready to forgive me. Not until she left the hospital, which she didn’t want to do. Leaving the hospital meant leaving Junior behind. So the table beside her was piled with boxes of jewelry, and I took on a few extra overtime shifts just to keep my mind busy. Then, after work, I’d scour the shops with my father-in-law, Matchstick, and his wife Molly for something Daisy might like.
It was a difficult time for me. I was looking forward to it being over and our lives getting back on track.
4
Chapter 4: Daisy
On the day I was discharged from the hospital, I walked into the clubhouse. It was the middle of the day so not many people were around, but Bull had asked to see me. Janie, his ol’lady, had picked me up from the hospital. She visited often during the week and even brought clothes for Baby James to wear, so we became friends. Jim, the prospect who brought me in, sent a little blue toy bunny with “Baby Boy” embroidered on it. I cried over that. In the end, I didn’t want to go straight home and deal with the possibility of seeing Blaze. Since Bull wanted to see me, we came directly to the clubhouse.
I knocked on the office door and heard Bull call out before I turned the handle and walked in.
“Hey Daiz, how are you feeling?” he grumbled, gesturing to the seat across from him.
I bit down on the bitterness and emptiness I was feeling, and sat.
“Peachy,” I replied.
He glanced down and nodded. “Janie and I–” He sighed, then looked up at me and shook his head. “She’s probably said this, but I mean it too. I’m sorry. You deserve Baby James alive and in your arms. You deserve to be a mother to a healthy baby. I’m sorry we couldn’t get there sooner.”
The apology and honest acknowledgement of my pain broke something inside me. I fought back the tears, and almost succeeded.
“Thank you for sending Jim. He was a huge support. He did really well being thrown in the deep end,” I replied, swiping away the rogue tear that escaped.
“You’re welcome…I, er, I wanted to talk to you about the funeral.” He shifted uncomfortably in his seat as he spoke. This was rare for Bull to be uncomfortable. He dealt with so much bullshit from the boys in the club that he tended to roll with the punches.
I nodded at him to continue.
“The club would like to organize it, and pay for it.”
I thought about it. I didn’t want to deal with the funeral. I was too worn out after the birth and the week in the hospital. They had to keep me in maternity and the crying of the other babies had taken its toll mentally. Plus, I’d already said goodbye in the hospital just before I left. I had prints of Baby James’s handprints and footprints to prove it.
I nodded my agreement. “Sure, the club can do that for Blaze—” I bit my tongue on the spiteful words that wanted to follow the mention of his name.
“What else can we help with?” he asked. “Anything at all.”
More tears escaped. It felt like I was crying all the time. But more than that, I was dreading going home to Blaze.
“I don’t want to go home,” I admitted. “I’m tired and done with Blaze. I want a break from him. I can’t even stand the thought of seeing him now.” I knew Bull probably couldn’t do anything to help, but I was just venting my frustration. The men ruled the club, and they stuck together like glue. But Bull surprised me. He didn’t show any reaction. He simply opened a drawer and handed me a folder. I opened it to see a rental agreement and a set of keys.
“Janie needs someone to look after her parents’ place while they’re travelling around. They want someone who is associated with the club enough that we’ll keep an eye on them, but someone who doesn’t look like a club person. It’ll be for six months. Is that enough time to clear your head?”
I nodded, tears still creeping out of my eyes.
“And I’m not planning on telling Blaze where you are.” Bull winced at his words of betrayal against a club member, then continued with rare honesty, “I never agreed with his concept of fun, especially here at the clubhouse. So I’m giving you space…but this is all I’m giving you. Six months for you to think about your relationship, and how to fix it. Then you come back and sort your shit out with Blaze. Hopefully that’s enough time for Blaze to come to his senses as well.”
I closed the folder. “Thank you. When do you need me up there?” I was proud of myself for not breaking down any more.
“Whenever you want, head up there,” he told me. “I don’t know how long you have before you’re cleared to drive. But as soon as you’re ready, let me know.” I thanked him and left.
* * *
