‘That’s the plan? Get in a van and go back?’
He grins. ‘Yes. But listen,’ he says, as I start to protest. ‘It’s not as easy as it sounds. Cass leads the clearings, so she’ll be there. We’ll have to time it to the second.’
‘You really think she wouldn’t let us go? What if I tell her who I am?’
‘She won’t care. She guards these borders too tightly to let anyone through, even the heir to Raven. Especially the heir to Raven.’ He’s not smiling any more. ‘Eddard will signal when things are cleared, then we go.’
It sounds so simple. ‘What about the driver?’
‘We’ll have to bribe him. Or you could pull rank. But there’s no guarantee that won’t freak him out. So that’s a last resort.’
‘Okay.’ I turn the ring on my finger, thinking.
‘What is it?’
‘Nothing.’ It’s not nothing. I feel as I did when I travelled around my realm, when I laughed in Stonehenge, walked through ancient palaces, danced under painted ceilings at Versailles. All the while with an ache in my chest. I feel the same ache now. ‘Do we have to go tonight?’ It’s a whisper.
‘We’ve already stayed too long. Your parents will be frantic, Raven searching for us. All it takes is for one person to have seen us in that alleyway and they could already be on their way here.’
‘I know.’ I do know. It’s been an almost constant thread of worry since we got here. ‘I know wehaveto go. But I don’t want to.’ I sit up, running my hands through my hair. ‘We’re going to have to come up with a story as to where we’ve been.’
‘Maybe we should tell the truth.’ He takes my hand, playing with my fingers. ‘That we wanted to spend time together. Alone.’ His blue gaze is unwavering, fixed on me. I know what he’s saying.
‘You want me to tell Joaquin it’s over.’ I shake my head. ‘I don’t know if I can, yet.’
‘Darkness, Emelia! You love me, not him!’
I don’t say anything.
‘I watch you, day after day, dealing with shit you don’t want to deal with, putting everyone else first, making decisions based upon what’s best for humans, or for the realm, or to protect your family. I see you with him,’ his lip curls, ‘the way he puts his hands on you, moves you around like a doll, never asking you. Where’syourchoice in this? What doyouwant? Forget Raven, forget the crown, forget all of it! If you could have anything in the world, what would it be?’
My breath hitches in my chest. ‘You,’ I say. ‘I want you. And to stay here, in this beautiful place.’ The ache in my chest worsens, like a heavy stone pressing on me. ‘I’ve fucked everything up!’ I groan, rolling onto my side away from him. ‘My mother told me not to string him along. She told me to choose for myself who I wanted to love.’
Michael fits himself against me, heat all down my back, his arm around me. ‘So why can’t you?’ His breath is warm on my skin.
‘Because I’m scared.’
‘Someone very wise once told me that courage isn’t the absence of fear; rather, it’s how you overcome fear.’
I laugh, despite my torment. ‘That sounds like my father.’
‘It was. Though he told me the words came from someone else. A human.’ He kisses my shoulder. ‘And you, my darling Emelia, have overcome your fear time and time again. When you left your home, not knowing what would happen, but knowing it would be worse to stay. When you witnessed the Moon Harvest. When you had to kill Kyle. When Jessie attacked you. When my brothers challenged your crown. When Joaquin’s follower attacked you. When Nari tried to humiliate you at your own birthday ball. Each time, you faced up to things. You didn’t shrink away. So why are you so scared of doing this?’
I don’t say anything.
‘Is it because you have feelings for him?’ Tension threads his voice.
I turn to face him. ‘I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like him. Didn’t find him attractive. I don’t want to hurt him. There was a time, after you left, when I thought he could be right for me. But…’
‘But?’
‘I don’t love him. I love you.’ The ache in my chest eases. I don’t want to leave because I don’t want to return to what’s waiting for me. I’m going to hurt Joaquin, which I never wanted to do. But this is my mistake and I need to face up to it. Perhaps there’s a way for us to remain friends, for our realms to stay aligned. As my mother said, there are other paths to diplomacy. I have her, and my father, and the entire might of Raven behind me. Michael is who I want at my side. A choice I’m making for me. ‘I’ll end it. But without mentioning your name. We need to keep this under wraps until after I’m crowned.’
‘You don’t have to protect me.’
I silence him with a kiss. ‘I absolutely do. We don’t know what Jaguar are capable of.’
He pulls me closer, nuzzling my neck. ‘So secret meetings, is it? I’m up for that.’ He’s also up in other ways, I can feel, pressing against me. But there’s one more thing I need to say.
