I led her to the door and slid my key in the lock, letting us inside. She stepped through the threshold as I closed the door, locking it behind us.
“So, this is it.” I flicked on the light, illuminating my spacious, but very empty apartment. The walls were stark white and completely bare. The sleek black couch and television looked comically small in the expansive space.
“I think someone stole the rest of your furniture,” she joked half-heartedly, stepping further into the living room.
I studied her as she walked around, her eyes on everything but me. So many questions tugged at the corners of my mind. Did she regret coming to see me? Had she realized being with a touring musician wasn’t what she wanted? Worse still, thatIwasn’t what she wanted?
The sheer curtain was already pulled open when she walked over to the window and stared wordlessly out into the night sky. Liv was right in front of me, but I felt like I was losing her. I’d racked my brain all day trying to figure out what changed. My mind kept coming back to the interview we’d done in LA, and after what Cash told me earlier, I suspected I was right.
I steeled myself as I approached her, gently placing my hands on her shoulders. “Can we talk?” I felt her muscles tense beneath my fingers, and she cast her gaze downward. “Baby,” I pleaded, “please talk to me. What’s going on? You haven’t been yourself since yesterday.” I hooked my finger under her chin, gently bringing her eyes back to mine. “Please, Liv.”
She pressed her lips together and shook her head.
“I’ve been going over and over this in my mind. To figure out what changed. It was the interview we did yesterday. It’s because of what I said, isn’t it?” I scrubbed my hands over my face. “That you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me and that I wanted to get married one day. It was too much for you, wasn’t it?” Her gaze fell to the floor, but I pressed on, taking her hands in mine. “Baby, I’m sorry. I didn’t say those things to rush you or push you into anything. Youarethe best thing that’s happened to me, and I do see a future with you, but I’ll be patient. I will wait as long as you ask—”
“It’s not that.” She wrenched herself from my grasp, turning away from me.
“But itissomething.” My mouth went dry. “What is it?”
“I’m afraid I won’t be enough for you.” Her voice broke, her shoulders shaking as she wept into her hands.
“Baby, where is this coming from?” I closed the distance between us and took her in my arms. “You’re more than enough for me. You’re everything to me.”
“I can’t give you everything you want,” she choked out.
“Liv,youare what I want.” I searched her eyes, trying to understand.
“You want a house full of kids. You want children.” She looked at me wistfully. “And you should be able to have them.”
“So you don’t want kids.” My entire body felt heavy. “Okay. I get it, but that doesn’t change how I—”
“It’s not that. I’ve been down this road before. I’ve tried to have a family, but my body made it impossible, and I don’t think I can handle another miscarriage, Jax. I can’t take having my heart broken like that again.”
Finally, the words she’d said hit me. She wasn’t saying she didn’twanta family with me. She didn’t know if she’d be able togiveme one. I felt a pang of disappointment deep in my gut. Admittedly, this wasn’t something I’d ever considered.
Crazy as it was, I’d pictured our future together a lot over the past couple of weeks, and in those visions, I’d seen myself carrying Liv over the threshold of a home of our own. I’d thought about the kind of parents we might be together. I wondered what our lives would look like many years from now when those children were grown, and I’d imagined we’d sit on our front porch, old and grey, reminiscing about the beautiful life we’d created together.
But what was most important to me about that future was her.The rest of it was nothing withouther.
“Liv, look at me. I don’t think you understand. I wantyou.”
“But you want a family, Jax. You deserve that, and I’m being selfish holding onto you knowing I may never be able to give you that.”
“There are a million ways to make a family, baby. There are a million ways to make ahome.” I took her beautiful face in my hands. “The only thing I’ve ever had to my name was that shitty apartment. Then, after things started to go well for the band, this slightly less shitty, but still empty apartment. I never had a person I belonged to. Don’t get me wrong, the guys are like family, but I never had ahome. Home is where you are, Liv.” I wiped at the tears that had fallen down her cheeks. “I want to build a family with you. I want a future withyou.Whether that means we adopt, foster, or just rescue a bunch of furry brothers and sisters for Mama. No matter what it is, I want it all with you.”
“You do?” Her voice was a hoarse whisper, and her face softened.
“I understand if you’re not there yet. I meant what I said. I’ll be patient.” I wrapped my arms around her. “I’ll wait as long as you need me to becauseyouare what’s been missing from my life. You’re home to me. I love you, Liv.”
She looked at me through her tears, pulling my face down so that my forehead rested against hers. “I love you too, Jax.”
“Yeah?” I whispered.
“Yeah.” I kissed her soundly, my hands tangling in her hair.
I smiled down at her. “I donut want to live without you.”
She laughed softly, falling into my arms. At that moment, I held my entire world in my hands.
