“No,” he said quickly. “That’s not it at all. I guess I wanted to see who this guy was that had gotten your attention. I stuck around and watched the show. And…” He trailed off, rubbing his hand over his stubble. “Liv, I realized I still loved you. I saw that spark in you that I fell in love with so many years ago, and I realized I neverstoppedloving you.”
A sarcastic laugh bubbled out of me. “Are you kidding me right now?”
“I know I wasn’t exactly supportive.” He looked down at his hands.
“By not exactly supportive, you mean you literally wanted to suppresseverythingthat made me who I was until I became someone I didn’t recognize, right?” I fired back. “Becausethatis what happened.”
“You’re right,” he confessed. “I realize that now.”
“You know, Ben, I never understood what was so wrong with me to begin with.”
“It wasn’t you,” he acknowledged. “There was never anything wrong with you. It was me.”
“Oh, I know thatnow,”I said firmly, realizing for the first time that I believed it. “You always had to make me smaller and smaller in order to make yourself bigger.” He started to speak, but I barreled on. “I don’t blame you. You may have done it, but I allowed it to happen for years until I all but disappeared.”
“I’m sorry,” he said simply. “I wish there was something I could say.”
“So, why did she do it?” I asked. “Why did Shelby do it?”
“After the show that night, I sat her down and talked to her.” He sighed. “I told her I was still in love with you and that I’d made a mistake. I told her I wanted to try to work things out with you.” I shook my head in disbelief. “She was understandably upset. She threatened to ruin my life, but that’s not what happened.”
“Instead, she ruined mine.” I pressed my lips together in a firm line, seriously contemplating blackening his other eye.
“Yes,” he replied. “She took it out on you.”
“Well, thanks for letting me know.” My voice was dripping with sarcasm.
“I made a mistake, Liv.” He looked at me sincerely, his brown eyes glistening. “I made alotof mistakes. I didn’t treat you the way you deserved, and I know that now, but I want to try again. I want to make it right.”
I looked at him thoughtfully for a moment. Once upon a time, this was everything I wanted to hear, but that was before I knew what it was like to live without him. That was before I figured out that maybe I wasn’t so bad after all.
That was before Jax.
Hearing him say those words, I felt nothing but sorry for him.
Sorry that he’d missed out on who I could have been.
Sorry that he’d been so insecure he had to tear me down to build himself back up.
But I wasn’t sorry enough to take him back. I should have left that relationship a long time ago.
“I appreciate the sentiment,” I said. “I do.”
“But you don’t want to be with me.” He shook his head, looking defeated.
“No,” I answered. “I don’t.”
“Because you love him.”
“Because I love myself.” I sighed. “Ben, you did me a kindness when you asked me for a divorce because I probably never would have left. I would have lived in your shadow for the rest of my life. When you left, I found out who I was, who Istillam.”
I wasproudof the woman I’d become. I was stronger than I’d ever given myself credit for. I was fucking capable and…
“I realized I deserve to be loved.” Jax’s face flashed through my mind. We were eating donuts outside that little pie shop he loved and getting drenched as we ran to my front door in the rain. We were writing songs by candlelight in the middle of a storm. I was looking at him and the faces of my friends at the surprise party he planned, eating the cake he’d made for me. We were dancing in the kitchen and curled up together on the tour bus. I was performing on stage in front of millions of people, but the person that mattered most was standing right beside me. “And I deserve to love someone even when it’s not easy.Especiallywhen it’s not easy. Even when it feels like my world is falling apart, I deserve to love and be loved, anyway.” I turned toward him and stood. “Ben, I’m sorry, but I need you to leave. I have somewhere I need to be.”
“It’s him, isn’t it?” Benton’s face fell.
“It’s him,” I said, “but it’s also me.” He stood, and I placed a hand on his arm. “I forgive you, Benton. You want to make it right? You make it right by learning from it, by becoming better. Not for me, but for you.”
