In my mind’s eye, I saw myself at Carrie’s bedside with her hand in mine. In the early days of her diagnosis, we’d talk about everything, and her light continued to shine despite her circumstances. But when her light started to dim, I watched as her hands that had once been warm and pink with life turned cold and ashen.
Tears pooled in my eyes as I opened them, and I placed my hand on top of Sam’s. I said a silent prayer that he would come through this unscathed and that Grace would never have to know the heartbreak of watching the person she loved slowly disappear.
A gnawing feeling settled into my gut, buried deep inside like a parasite. What if this had all happened to show me that I couldn’t survive another loss like Carrie’s and that maybe I wasn’t as ready to move on as I thought I was? What if I was never ready?
Twenty-Three
Ella
“You know,I’m a little offended that you’ve already stolen my dog,” I joked as I sat beside Grace at the kitchen table. I handed her a glass of orange juice and her morning dose of meds. Bradley Cooper lifted his head to look at me only to flop it back down beside her foot.
“We had some lost time to make up for.” She winced as she shifted in her seat, her cast looking bulky in comparison to the rest of her. “Any word from Cash?”
I shook my head. “I’d say that means no news is good news.” As the words left my mouth, I wasn’t sure I believed them. I’d texted Cash to let him know we made it home safely as he’d asked, but he never replied. I assumed he’d fallen asleep, but there was a part of me that was unnerved. He’d seemed a little distant before we left the night before.
That was normal, though, right? It was a hard day, and he was probably just exhausted. I attempted to put the thought out of my mind as I chewed a bite of my toast.
“I haven’t even asked how Grandma is,” Grace said, taking a bite of the eggs I’d scrambled for her. “Is she okay?”
“There’s not been much change. She did have a few minutes of lucidity the other night. Nicole called me to come, but your grandma was already gone by the time I got there. She thought we were from the church.”
“We?” Grace asked. “Did Cash go with you?”
I nodded, taking a sip of my coffee. “He did.”
“Grandma would love him if she could meet him,” she said. “Like really meet him.”
“I think so too.”
Grace twirled her fork on her plate, shoving her eggs and toast around more than she was eating them. “Do you think Sam is going to be okay? This mass on his pancreas… do you think it’s going to be anything to worry about?”
“I think that no matter what happens, we’ll handle it,” I said. “Together.”
“Cash seemed kinda… I don’t know… freaked out last night.” Grace chewed her lip.
“I know this news about Sam has him unsettled, and he was very worried about you.”
“No, it was more than that,” she said. “I think I freaked him out. When you were gone to get coffee, I was still kinda out of it from the meds, and I said some stuff... I basically told him he felt like a dad to me.”
My heart twisted. I knew that Craig would have loved nothing more than to have seen his little girl grow up, but if he couldn’t be here, he would have picked a man like Cash to take his place. “Did you mean that? Even if you were a little loopy?”
She nodded. “But I don’t want to freak him out.”
“You told him something that was true to your heart, and I know Cash adores you, regardless of whether or not he and I are seeing each other,” I assured her. “I think he was just overwhelmed with all of the emotions from the day.” I realized I was also trying to reassure myself. “You know, it’s still early in this thing with Cash and me.”
Grace looked down at her food. “I know.”
“I know you’re excited, and I am too.” I placed my hand on top of her bare one. “I just don’t want you to get your hopes up in case something were to happen.”
“Well, it’s a little late for that.” She laughed. “This isn’t just anyone. This isn’t that Ryan guy. This is Cash we’re talking about. He’s already family. I’ve always secretly hoped you guys would get together.”
“I guess the fact that we’re already such a big part of each other’s lives is what makes this so delicate,” I admitted. “Because if anything were to go wrong… well, that makes things complicated.”
My phone pinged from the counter, and I stood to grab it.
Cash: Doctor is here and they’re taking the tube out now.
“Is that Cash?” Grace pressed. “What’d he say?”
