He gave me a solemn nod. “You’ve got my word on that. She’s… she’s quite important to me, your daughter.”
My heart melted into a puddle on the kitchen floor. “I know.”
Cash returned and placed a hand on Sam’s shoulder. “Your bag is on top of the dresser in Grace's room.”
“Thanks, man,” Sam said, exiting the kitchen.
“Alright.” I clapped my hands together. We may not have been able to make a cottage pie, but I was determined not to let that derail our evening. “So, since we’re not cooking tonight, should I pop these pizzas in the oven? Or we could order out. I’ve got the menu for the Chinese place around the corner here somewhere.” I opened a couple of drawers, rifling through them as I barreled on. “Or we could just have some movie snacks. I’ve got tons of popcorn, and you know I’ve always got candy lying around here. I guess I should also mention that Grace wants us to have a movie night.”
“Actually, I need to get going,” he said abruptly.
“Not sure if you’re in the mood for a romcom…” I trailed off, his words finally registering in my brain. “Wait… what?”
“Yeah, I’m sorry.” He scrubbed his face with his hands. “I’ve just… I’ve got a lot I need to get caught up on.”
“Okay…” I pressed my lips together as I digested what he was saying. “But we said we were all going to have dinner together tonight. Grace has been going on and on about it.”
His eyes didn’t meet mine. “I know. I’m sorry, but I really need to go home and take care of some things.”
My stomach felt queasy.Is he… is he trying to ghost me? Is that what this is?“Cash, please stay. Even if you can only stay for dinner. I know it would mean so much to Grace, and it would probably make Sam feel more comfortable.”And I need you. I want you here.
“I can’t. Okay, Ella? I can’t tonight, ” he snapped. His voice came out so sharp that I jumped. This wasn’t like Cash at all. I watched as he took a deep breath before speaking again. “We’ll do it another night, okay? I have some things I need to take care of.”
“And those things don’t include me,” I scoffed. I regretted the words as soon as they came out of my mouth.
Cash looked stunned, as though I’d thrown cold water on him. “That’s not what I’m saying.” He kept his voice even. “I’ve been at the hospital a lot, and I’m behind. I need to get some things done.”
“You could do them here,” I said bitterly.
He sighed. “Ella, please.”
“Fine.” I shrugged as though it didn’t matter, even though it did matter very much. “Whatever.”
I turned toward the fridge and pulled out the pizzas he would not be eating with us.
He crossed over to me and kissed the top of my head.
Every part of me wanted to throw myself in his arms and ask why he was being this way. I didn’t understand how he could not need me the way I needed him. But that’s not what I said as I carried the pizzas to the oven and pressed the button to turn it on.
“If you need space, fine. We’ll manage without you,” I spat.
I leaned my hands on the counter and closed my eyes, trying to calm myself. I turned back around to apologize, to tell him I understood even though I didn’t, only to find he was already gone.
Twenty-Six
Cash
I hatedmyself for walking out on Ella the way I did, for not even saying anything to Grace and Sam before I left. But I couldn’t. The second I opened my mouth, the geyser of emotions I’d been suppressing would have come to the surface, just as they had the second I got in my car.
The traffic lights and passing cars blurred together through my tears as I made the short drive home, gripping the steering wheel so hard my knuckles turned white. My mind was whirling to the point that I hardly remembered how I’d gotten there when I pulled into the garage.
I didn’t get out immediately, opting instead to sit in silence in the darkness. I didn’t know whether it was a good or bad sign that Ella hadn’t even tried to call or text me after I’d left. She had every right to be furious with me. I’d gone back on my word, but I’d reached my breaking point.
I really had forgotten the ingredients for the cottage pie. When I went to the store, I’d had every intention of staying with Ella that night. But once I was in the house with her, the waves started to rise. Being with her had felt so easy before. Since the accident, all I saw were possibilities. Possibilities that ended with me in a hospital room with her or Grace, or worse, both of them, waiting for the news that my life was over again.
She was thinking about what was for dinner, but I couldn’t stop thinking about all the ways I could lose her. I drew in a ragged breath. I needed to think. I needed time to sort through all of the thoughts in my head.
I loved Ella. I knew that. And I loved Grace. But I couldn’t seem to reconcile that with my fear of losing them. How could I ever be okay again when there were car accidents, cancers, and God only knew what else that could snatch them from me at any second? I’d survived losing Carrie, but barely. I couldn’t do it again. I leaned my head against the leather seat, beads of sweat forming along my hairline.
