“Of course I’m right. I’m your mother.” I smiled at her. Or at least I thought I did, but my face seemed determined to betray me.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” she asked.
“Yeah,” I replied. “I guess I am pretty stressed. I have a bunch of stuff I need to get caught up on at the bakery.”
“But didn’t Aunt Liv fill in while you were at the hospital with me and Sam?”
“She did, but there’s still a ton of administrative stuff to do,” I said. That wasn’t entirely true. Katie, as always, had made sure everything had been taken care of. She’d even set up some interviews for the following week with some prospective employees. But I needed a cover to get me out of the house so I could think. “I was thinking I might go in for a couple of hours and do a few things. Maybe I'll call Derek and see if he could come hang out with you guys.” I couldn’t ask Liv. She’d see through me in a heartbeat, and I didn’t know how to tell her yet.
She rolled her eyes. “Mom, we don’t need a babysitter.”
“I know that,” I insisted. “But you’re both still recovering. Should anything crazy happen, I want someone here who can help you. Besides, neither of you can drive while you’re still on painkillers, and I’m pretty sure Bradley Cooper got his license revoked because he doesn’t have opposable thumbs.”
“Okay, fine,” she said. “Call Derek.” She left the kitchen with Bradley Cooper on her heels.
I grabbed my phone off the counter and called Derek’s number.
He answered on the second ring. “Hey, Ella. Everything okay?”
“Yeah,” I answered, trying to maintain an air of perkiness to my voice so as not to give myself away. “Everything is totally fine. I was actually calling to ask a favor if you’re not busy.”
“I’m not busy at all,” he said. “I’m just doing some reading.”
“What book?”
He laughed. “The manual for the new camera I just bought.”
“Nice,” I said.
“So, what’s up?”
“Would you by any chance be available to come hang out with Grace and Sam for a couple of hours? I need to run a few errands, and with them both still recovering, I hate to leave them alone. You know, just in case they need anything,” I explained. “Besides, I know Bradley Cooper would love to hang out with you.”
“Of course,” he said. “I’d be happy to. I’ll be there in say, half an hour?”
“Perfect,” I replied. “Thank you. Seriously. You’re the best.”
“Don’t mention it,” he said. “I’m happy to help.”
We ended the call, and I leaned my head back, squeezing my eyes shut in an attempt to keep my emotions locked inside. I needed to think, but I also needed to be with someone who loved me.
I knew exactly where I needed to go.
* * *
After driving around lostin thought for about an hour, I pulled into the parking lot at Richland Place. I sighed as I cut the engine. My mom may not know I was there, but I would know. And at that moment, I needed her.
A summer storm was brewing, making it look much later than it actually was. I normally preferred the sunshine, but on that night I didn’t mind that the weather matched my mood—swirls of clouds and emotions on the verge of giving way to torrential downpours.
Thunder echoed in the distance as I walked toward the building and went inside. I waved to the receptionist who was on the phone as I crossed the lobby toward the elevator. It was the very same path Cash and I had taken the night he’d come with me to visit my mother a little over a week before. As I got on that same elevator, I wondered how everything had gotten so messed up since then. It felt like we’d lived a thousand lifetimes in a matter of days.
I keyed in the code, and the elevator lurched upward.
I felt a little selfish for visiting without Grace because I knew she’d want to see her grandmother, but I needed this moment for myself. I needed to figure out how the hell I was going to tell my daughter that Cash had left us.
Who was I kidding? I needed this moment to figure out how to process it all, how to come to terms with the fact that the moment I’d gone all in was the moment Cash had decided to fold.
Before Cash, the only person I’d ever brought with me to visit my mom besides Grace had been Liv. Watching my mom’s mind slowly disintegrate, having a front row seat to losing her piece by piece, was something I struggled with.
