Kia reached for my phone, holding it in front of my face to unlock it. She dialed someone, and I tried hard to focus on her words.
“Katie, this is McKenzie’s friend Kia,” she said. “I need your help.”
“Here,”my mom said, handing me a steaming mug of chamomile tea. Kia and I sat on my couch, and she sank into the armchair beside me. “Drink this.”
I nodded, still feeling somewhat shell-shocked as I took it into my hands. After my panic attack, Kia had folded me into her Honda and called my mother to meet us at my apartment. She’d already let herself in with my spare key by the time we arrived.
It was after midnight, and Binx was curled up on my lap, his constant soft purr a balm to my soul. Kia stroked the top of Earl Grey’s head from where he was perched on top of the sofa.
“How are you feeling?” Kia asked, her watchful gaze fixed on me as though I might fall apart if she looked away.
“Like this is all my fault,” I admitted, my voice a hoarse whisper. “Luca left because of me.”
Both Kia and my mom shook their heads.
“No, baby,” my mom said, leaning forward to place her hand on my knee. “Luca’s struggling right now. None of this is your fault.”
“But I should have been there for him,” I whispered.
“You are,” she insisted. “You have been. But there are some things we can’t fix for other people.”
“Your mom’s right,” Kia said. “The only person responsible for Luca’s healing is Luca. All you can do is love and encourage him.”
“But I didn’t,” I choked out.
“Because you didn’t drop everything and run to him?” Kia asked. “McKenzie, that’s too much weight for one person to carry.”
My mom nodded in agreement. “You can’t be his entire support system.”
“I don’t know Luca, but Idoknow you,” Kia said. “You don’t love easily, but when you do, you love hard. It’s just that…when someone’s struggling the way Luca is, sometimes even love isn’t enough to reach their darkest places.”
My mom gave me a wistful smile. “If only it were that simple. If love were enough, Brennan would still be here. It’s just so much more complex than that.”
“But what if it could be that simple?” I dropped my gaze to the mug in my lap. “What if I could—”
“No.” Kia held up her hands as though she could stop the thoughts before they formed in my mind. “You can’t. And I know how much it sucks to hear that. It hurts even more to accept it. But you don’t have that kind of power. Nobody does.”
“Have you heard from Katie yet?” I asked Kia, though I already knew the answer. If she’d heard anything, she would have told me.
“Not yet,” she answered. “But she told me she’d text me as soon as they got to Luca’s place in Kentucky.” Dallas and Katie had told Kia that was where they believed he’d taken off to, and when I’d come out of my panic attack enough to form words, I remembered he’d said something about how he should have stayed in his apartment.
I sighed. “I should try to call him again.”
“It’s still going to voicemail,” my mom said gently. “I tried.”
I swallowed hard. “I could leave another message.”
“I think the best thing you can do for Luca right now is take care of yourself.” Kia reached over and touched my arm.
“I am,” I argued.
Kia shot me a look. “I beg to differ.”
“It’s just work stress,” I said. “What I have going on is nothing compared to what Luca’s dealing with.”
“It’s not just ‘work stress,’” Kia countered. “I think you still have a lot of unresolved feelings surrounding Brennan’s death.”
“He’s gone,” I said with a wry laugh. “You can’t get much more resolved than that.”
