“And what did she say? Did she come to you?”
I shook my head. “She was working, and I knew it, but I still selfishly asked her to ditch what she was doing for me. She was frustrated because she was dealing with stress of her own, and she asked me what I would do if something like this happens while I’m on the road.”
“That’s a fair question, but you weren’t selfish to reach out and ask for help,” Lacey said. “Just as it wasn’t selfish of her to not be in a place to hold space for you at that moment. Again, two things can be true at once. Did you ask anyone else for help?”
“No. I freaked out. When she turned me away, even though I didn’t blame her for it…it triggered something inside me. I…I was afraid.”
She leaned forward, her elbows on her knees. “What were you afraid of?”
“Being abandoned,” I answered. “I was scared everyone would leave me because I…I’m not good enough. Because I’m not worth the fucking trouble. But…my friends came looking for me. I wasn’t in Kentucky long before they showed up.”
“I thought you said you didn’t call anyone else. How did they know to come to you?”
“McKenzie called them,” I answered. “Actually, it was her friend. McKenzie showed up at my place in Tennessee looking for me, and when she saw I was gone, she had a panic attack. Which was my fault.”
“You can’t blame yourself. You were doing what you needed to do at that moment to survive,” she said. “The situation might have stirred up a lot of emotions for her, but she also has her own previous trauma that formed her response.”
“That may be, but it doesn’t make me feel any better.”
She gave me a faint smile. “See? Two things can be true.”
“I’m afraid I ruined our relationship,” I said, my voice breaking. “I was so terrified she’d leave me that I let it become this self-fulfilling prophecy. And I guess when I think about it, that’s what I’ve always done. I walk away before anyone has the chance to walk away from me.”
“It’s not uncommon for people to do the very thing they’re afraid of others doing to them. It’s a defense mechanism. But you being able to recognize the pattern? That’s growth.”
“But how do I stop an instinct that comes to me as easily as breathing?”
“It may never stop. At least not fully,” she answered. “It takes time and building up your arsenal of tools to cope. The only person you can rely on to aid your healing is you. Yes, you need a support system. Having loved ones you can count on is vital, but if you’re constantly seeking validation and comfort from outside sources, you’ll never be truly satisfied. Your contentment can’t come from others. It has to come from you, because you’re the only one who will always be there.”
“I don’t know if I can ever be happy with myself.”
“You spent years collecting reasons to believe you’re not worthy of love. Those don’t go away overnight,” she said. “You have to take it one step at a time.”
One cup at a time.
“Why don’t we start by coming up with three things you can work on over the next week to improve your relationship with yourself?” she suggested. “Things you can do to increase your self-trust.”
“Like what?”
“What if you start by committing to weekly sessions for the next month and following up with your psychiatrist? Does that sound doable?”
I nodded. “Yeah, but I think I need something…I don’t know…bigger?”
She tapped the tip of her pen to her notebook. “Well, you seem to be carrying around a lot of guilt and shame about some of your previous actions. Is there anyone you feel you owe an apology? I tend to think accountability is where self-awareness and self-compassion intersect. Taking ownership of our actions is an important part of our internal growth. You’re holding on to so much blame. It might help you to find forgiveness.”
My stomach clenched like a fist. “And if they can’t forgive me?”
“Maybe you could try forgiving yourself,” she replied.
I tried to swallow, but my throat felt dry. “I guess I can try.”
“That’s two things,” she said. “What else could you do to better your relationship with yourself?”
I pressed my palms together in front of my lips as I pondered the question. The task felt almost inconceivable. How could I ever—
The wheels of my mind clicked into place. The answer had been in front of me all along, but I hadn’t believed in myself enough to really try. I’d been so afraid of rejection, of being left, that I’d always kept one foot out the door, ready to run at any moment. But without an escape hatch at my disposal, I’d have to start trusting not only myself but those I loved. Selling my place in Kentucky was the ultimate trust fall.
I didn’t even know if I’d have McKenzie to return to, and that scared me. But it was all the more reason to take the leap. I couldn’t let my fears keep holding me back from the good things in life. The people I loved. A second chance at a career in music. Finding peace.
