“Hey, it’s okay—” she began before I cut her off.
“No,” I said. “It isn’t. I care about you, Ella. I should’ve been there.”
“I understand why you couldn’t be.” She placed her hands on my arms. “But you’re here now, and that means everything.”
“How’ve you been holding up?” I asked, leaning against the counter.
She gave me a sad smile. “I’m okay. It’s been hard. With her Alzheimer’s, it felt like I lost her so many times before the end. I miss her, but there’s also a sense of peace in knowing she’s not suffering anymore.”
I nodded. “I’m so sorry.”
“I’m sorry too. I wasn’t there for you the way I wish I had been,” she said, her voice soft. “We should have tried harder to reach you…to find you.”
“It wouldn’t have mattered,” I assured her. “I wasn’t ready to be found. But I am now.”
“I’m glad. Our little group…our family…it’s not the same without you. And I’m sorry we ever let you forget that.”
“You didn’t let me forget,” I said. “I just…I guess I couldn’t allow myself to believe it. Because that meant I belonged somewhere, and I had something to lose.”
“Don’t you worry. We’re not going anywhere,” she promised. “You’re stuck with us whether you like it or not.”
“You know, I think I’m actually okay with that.”
“You better be.” She grinned, moving to stand beside me. “So, you and McKenzie, huh?”
I chuckled. “I’m amazed it took you this long to ask.”
“To be clear, it was killing me.”
“Yeah, me and McKenzie.” Thinking of her made my chest ache. God, I missed her so much. “We’re giving each other a little space right now, but I think we’re gonna make it through.” The words came out with more conviction than I felt. “I hope so, at least.”
“I hope you do too. Grace told me how happy you are with her.” She put an arm around me and gave me a squeeze. “You deserve that. You deserve to be loved.”
I felt like it might be true. Maybe I could show up exactly as I was, imperfections and all, and be worthy of love anyway. My friends had shown me that I was still loved even when I felt unlovable. They'd still be there when I wasn’t the best version of myself or if I tried to push them away. If they could love me then, maybe I could find a way to love me too.
Grace appeared in the doorway, yawning.
“You about ready to go?”
I nodded and gave Ella one more hug.
“Thanks again,” I whispered. “For being here.”
“Always,” she said.
Grace and I headed to the car, and we started back toward the hobbit house. She sang along to the radio, but my thoughts were on the McKenzie-sized hole in my heart.
I wished I hadn’t left the way I did the other night because even though I hadn’t intended to, I’d hurt her. But I’d come to realize that having depression was like waiting for a storm. It wasn’t a matter ofifone would roll in butwhen. And I was so waterlogged Saturday that I hadn’t realized McKenzie was stuck in a deluge of her own. I’d been looking to her to hold the umbrella when I should’ve been holding her while we waited for the rain to stop. Now all I could do was hope that this storm would eventually pass and we’d weather anything else life threw at us together.
By Wednesday afternoon,Grace and Jo had managed to secure an interview for Friday evening. Apparently, the noise surrounding me was enough to warrant a prime-time spot with Warren Wright, the host of one of the most popular prime time news shows. The network had been so excited to secure an exclusive live interview that they bumped whatever had been on their schedule in favor of “Live and Uncut with Luca Sterling.” I still wasn’t turning on the television, but Grace let me know that the first promo came out the day they booked the spot. By Thursday morning,everyoneknew it was happening.
I did everything I could to take my mind off what was coming. I had therapy with Lacey, I channeled my nervous energy into a song I was working on, and I even decided on a whim to go get my first tattoo.
As I lay in bed Friday morning, my finger swiped over the small semicolon printed on the inside of my left wrist. It could easily be covered by a shirtsleeve, a watch, or a bracelet. Nobody even had to know it was there, butIwould know. It would be my silent reminder that I had a story worth telling—worthy of continuing.
I grabbed my phone off the nightstand and checked the time. It was a little after 9 a.m. I needed to get up and get myself together before the television crew arrived, taking over the hobbit house. Everyone I cared about would be here for moral support, letting me know they loved me and believed in me no matter how things shook out. Well, almost everyone.
McKenzie still hadn’t reached out, and the more time that passed, the more I worried we might not survive this after all—that the fear I’d caused her had been too much after what she’d been through, and though I didn’t blame her, it still hurt. Part of me wanted to call her. Because despite everything that happened, I knew she’d show up for me if I asked her to. But I wanted it to be her choice. I had to find it in myself to be okay, with or without her.
