“I can’t speak to what they did or didn’t know, but I was always very clear about what my expectations were for these encounters.”
“Sex,” he said, filling in the blank.
My answer came out almost inaudibly. “Yes.”
“Now, I do want to be clear for our viewers that there have been no allegations of sexual misconduct. But I think some of these women had hopes that their experiences with you might lead to something more.” His eyes bore into mine like a laser. “Do you have any regrets over how you handled those situations?”
“Yeah,” I said. “I mean, being in a band, these kinds of things happen, but I took it to an extreme. Just like I did with the booze, I was always looking to numb my feelings.”
“And what were you feeling, exactly?”
I pressed my tongue onto the roof of my mouth. “Lonely. Sad.”
“Many would argue that you were at the peak of success, surrounded by fans who worshipped you and you had no reason to feel lonely.”
“Being worshipped isn’t the same as being known. Being understood.” I swallowed hard. “Being loved.”
Warren nodded. “I think that’s a poignant perspective on the parasocial relationships people develop with their favorite celebrities and influencers these days.”
“Yes,” I agreed. “There’s so much more to me than what people see in the tabloids or on social media…or even when they have a two-minute interaction with me at the airport.”
“Do you feel people have misjudged you?”
“I do. Some of that is my own fault. In not caring what people thought about me, I perpetuated an image that was no longer an accurate representation of who I am.” I dug my fingers into the rip on the thigh of my jeans. “I can’t deny that version of me existed. I did a lot of stuff I regret. I wasn’t a person I was proud of. But people can change.”
“And you believe you’ve changed?”
“I know I have.”
Warren studied me for a beat. “I want to talk to you about the breakup of Midnight in Dallas. You were a part of that band for most of your adult life. I imagine that split was hard on you.”
I scratched my neck. “It was.”
“What happened after that?”
“After we called it quits, everyone started going their separate ways. It hit me hard because the guys from the band are like my family, and I felt like I was losing them. That’s when I started to withdraw.”
“Several months passed last year with no photos taken of you,” Warren began. “We scoured the internet and couldn’t find a single one. Why is that?”
“Because I didn’t leave my apartment.”
“At all?”
“At all,” I echoed.
“Why not?”
I swallowed hard. “Because I felt like the world would be better off if I disappeared.”
“Did anyone come looking for you?”
“No,” I answered. “I told everyone I was traveling, so they had no idea where I was.”
“Did you ever have thoughts of harming yourself?”
“It was more that I just wanted the pain to stop.”
“What was the turning point that made you realize you were in serious trouble and needed to get help?” he asked, his voice sincere.
