“Fuck you, John.” I skipped down the list and played a message Jo had left just after the Fourth of July.
“Luca! Where the heck are you? Did you get the pictures I sent of Addie watching the fireworks? Seriously, where are you that doesn’t have a cell signal, mister? Katie and Dallas are having another game night next weekend. Please say you’ll come.”
“Hey, Luca. It’s Cash. I was just calling to see how you’re doing. Haven’t heard from you in a while. You know if you need anything, I’m just a phone call away, all right? Hope to talk to you soon. Bye.”
“Excuse me, Mr. Sterling. Hi. This is your friend Antoni. Remember me? You know, the one you haven’t spoken to inmonths.If you’d kindly let me know where you are so I can fly my gorgeous behind there and kick your ass, I’d greatly appreciate it. Listen, I know you like your space and shit, but this is getting a little ridiculous. Call me back. I’m worried about you. We all are. So, call me.”
The next message I listened to came from Grace and kicked off with an earsplitting shriek.
“Luca, it’s Grace, and I just called to tell you I’m engaged!”I swallowed hard as her voice cut off midscream. I’d known Grace before she even started dating her British superstar boyfriend. She was still in high school when I met her, and now she was gettingmarried?
Her mom Ella came next.
“Luca, where the fuck are you? It’s August first. Fucking August, and no one has heard hide nor hair of you. We miss you. We’re worried about you. Just freaking call me or someone and let us know if you’re alive or shacked up on a yacht with a supermodel named after a fruit. And my oldest daughter is engaged. Engaged, Luca. AARP won’t stop sending me shit in the mail, and I still have a baby girl at home. Is this the kind of irony Alanis Morissette was singing about?”
“Luca, it’s Cash. Listen, we got some bad news. Ella’s mom passed away this morning.”My breath caught in my throat.“She and Grace are devastated. We’re about to board a plane home to Nashville now. The funeral is gonna be on Wednesday at Harpeth Hills Memory Gardens, and we’re all coming back to the old house after. It would mean the world to Ella if you came. It would mean a lot to me too. Call me, okay?”
“Luca, it’s Jax. Dude, where are you? I know you don’t want us in your business, but come on, man. Missing Ella’s mom’s funeral? This isn’t like you. I get that you’re traveling, but seriously? You couldn’t come back for that? What’s going on?”
With a trembling finger, I tapped the last message Ella left, fully expecting a tongue-lashing from hell because it’s what I deserved. Instead, her voice broke, and it was obvious she was speaking through tears.
“Luca, please call us. Please. I’m worried. It sucked that you didn’t even come to my mom’s funeral. It fucking sucked, but I’ll get over it, okay? I’m just really concerned about you. Call me. I’m begging you.”
Every message was a needle digging deeper beneath my skin, trying to reach a splinter embedded so deep it had become part of me. I’d missed so much. Andthey’dmissedme.I didn’t think they would. I didn’t think I mattered. I’d always been the outsider of the group. The disappointment. I blinked furiously, sending salty liquid spilling over my lids, tracing invisible lines down to my ears. I wasn’t like them. They were better than me. But they still missed me?
The last message came from Katie the evening before, asking me to go to their game night and letting me know they missed me. Her normally peppy voice was heavy with sadness. I’d let her down. I’d let them all down.
Even still, they hadn’t forgotten me. I’d ghosted them. I’d completely shut them out, but they hadn’t turned their backs on me. I was the one who’d walked away. I told them I was traveling because it was easier than telling them the truth. It was easier than telling them everything fucking hurt and that sometimes I wished it would just stop. ThatIcould just stop. I wanted to shut my eyes and disappear. I wanted a second to fucking breathe without this imaginary fist around my neck, choking the life out of me.
My entire body shook, cold and hot at the same time. Every breath came in ragged sobs that made me feel like I’d jumped into the deep end of the pool when I couldn’t swim.
I missed my friends. I used to try to piss them off just for fun—always testing the waters to see who would abandon me first. I picked fights and gave them shit, but it wasn’t because I didn’t care. I did. I just couldn’t tell them I fucking loved them. I didn’t know how. How could I ever be good enough to love them? Would I ever be good enough to be lovedbythem?
Even when I didn’t deserve them, they never gave up on me.Ihad given up on me.
But they were still there. I could go back. I could try.
With a trembling hand, I reached over to the nightstand and turned the light on.
“Areyou sure you don’t want to sit?” The counselor, who couldn’t have been older than I was, peered up at me from the armchair she was sitting in.
I shook my head and shoved my hands in my pockets. I didnotwant to sit. In fact, I wanted to make a fucking break for it. Coming here was a mistake.
Lacey Milburn was the first person who could see me out of the numerous counseling centers I’d called. I’d left messages well outside of business hours, probably because part of me hoped nobody would return my call, which would mean I wouldn’t actually have to come.
But Lacey did. She called the next afternoon and offered me her last appointment of the day at 8 p.m. She’d greeted me at the door herself Wednesday night and locked it behind us, not at all unlike a serial killer. I followed her to the small office. It was homey and filled with colorful paintings on the wall, and it smelled like freshly brewed coffee.
This chick was prissy, blonde, and squeaky fucking clean. She wouldn’t know misery if it jumped up and bit her in the—
Lacey cleared her throat. “Why don’t you tell me a little about why you’re here today, Luca?”
“Do you know who I am?” I asked. Not in the pompous way celebrities attempted to throw their clout around like confetti, but in a way that saidI hope you don’t.
She glanced at the leatherbound notepad poised in her lap. “You’re Luca Sterling.”
“You know what the fuck I meant,” I said, narrowing my eyes. “Do you?”
Lacey paused a moment, tucking a loose sliver of her hair behind her ear, and nodded.
