“Haveyou had any thoughts of harming yourself or others?” Lacey asked.
I somehow felt even more depleted than when I’d arrived at Lacey Milburn’s office fifty minutes earlier. But it was a different kind of emptiness than I’d come in with.
Once I started giving voice to the monsters under my proverbial bed, they all started lining up, impatiently awaiting their turn to introduce themselves. After making their presence known, they exited my body and scattered across the room, staining Lacey’s colorful walls gray.
I was aimless. Without the demons filling every square inch of my soul, I felt strangely alone. Even demons started to feel like friends when they were the only company you had. They eyeballed me from where they loomed in the corners, a silent agreement that this separation was only temporary, and that they’d be coming home with me.
“Luca,” she said again, “have you had any thoughts of harming yourself or others?”
“God, no. I would never hurt someone,” I said. “I mean, yeah, I’ve gotten into a few bar fights in my day, but that was because I was being a fucking dick. I would never set out to hurt anyone.”
“Good.” She paused, tilting her head. “Now, what about you? Have you considered hurting yourself?”
“No.” I hesitated. “It’s not that. I just…Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to not feel anymore. To not be miserable all the fucking time.”
“But you don’t have a plan to harm yourself?”
I shook my head. “No. I don’t.”
She nodded. “While I don’t think you’re a risk to yourself or others, I do think it would be beneficial for you to be around people you trust. Do you have anyone like that nearby?”
I shook my head. “Not here. My friends…myfamilylives in Nashville.”
“Would you be able to go visit them? Or perhaps they’d come to you?”
“I could go there,” I said. “But that would make it hard for me to come back here for therapy.”
She crossed her boot-clad feet at the ankle. “How would you feel about virtual appointments?”
I shrugged. “Okay, I guess.”
“I want to make sure you’re getting everything you need, Luca. So here’s my suggestion,” she said. “You go to Nashville and spend some time with your family. While you’re there, I want to meet with you virtually a couple times a week to start. But if atanypoint you start to have thoughts of harming yourself, I want you to go straight to the hospital, okay? And of course, I’ll only be a phone call away.”
“Okay.”
She gave me a small smile. “Let’s get you scheduled.”
A couple of moments later, Lacey walked me toward the door and unlocked it.
“All right, Luca, I’ll talk to you in a couple of—”
“Is this fucking normal?” I blurted out, cutting her off. There was a large lump in my throat as though I’d swallowed a Magic 8 Ball with the screen stuck onOutlook not so good.“I have everything. Well, not literally, but pretty fucking close. I was successful. I have enough money that I don’t have to worry about shit for a really long time. If I can have all that andstillnot be happy…” I trailed off, leaving the unspoken question hanging in the air.Will I ever be?
Lacey placed a hand on my arm, and I nearly flinched. It was the first time anyone had touched me in…well, a really long time. It felt foreign, like the burn of a new tattoo or like I’d grown an extra appendage.
“I can’t promise you happiness,” she said, and for the first time, I caught the hint of a southern lilt in her voice. “I wish I could, but I think happiness is a lot like rest stops. Life is the road we travel, the hardships we face, and the rest stops are those happy moments in between all the life we’re living.”
“So then, what am I doing this for if I might not ever be happy? Isn’t that kind of the point?”
“You ever ride with the windows down, music blaring, screaming your favorite song at the top of your lungs?”
I nodded.
“All that matters in that moment is your tires against the pavement and the wind on your face. It feels good, doesn’t it?”
“Yeah, I guess it does.” Until my appointment with Lacey, I hadn’t been behind the wheel in months.
“The right tunes can completely change the experience,” she said. “Therapy and working on yourself is a lot like that. It doesn’t always change the road you’re on, but it can change the ride.”
