I’m sorry. I miss you.My thumbs tap out the words, only to delete them. I start and stop about a hundred sentences before I finally land on one.
Merry Christmas, Oliver.
Almost immediately the bubbles pop up to let me know he’s typing, and my heart leaps into my throat. What is he typing? Will he simply acknowledge the text and move on? Does he miss me too? What if we can work this out? Maybe I just need some time and we can start over. With every possibility, my hopes rise until they’re threatening to burst through the ceiling.
But after a moment the bubbles vanish. I wait in that spot for nearly five minutes, barely blinking for fear I’ll miss something.
They never appear again.
I busy myselfmost of the day by playing with Noah and Emily while made-for-TV holiday movies play in the background. Occasionally, other family members sit in with us before returning to the kitchen for more snacks or returning to whatever sappy Christmas flick happens to be on. Focusing on numerous rounds of Candy Land and Chutes and Ladders makesit easy to tune out the love stories on the television while the fireplace crackles.
After a seemingly endless amount of games, Emily yawns and leans her head against me, the citrus scent of her detangler so sweet and familiar. I swipe an errant curl from her face.
“Are you tired, sweet girl?” I ask, and she gives me a sleepy nod.
Ellie rises from the couch. “How about we go lie down?”
Emily peers at me through her thick lashes.
“Aunt Lindsey take me,” she mumbles, and my heart squeezes.
“Of course, I will,” I say, scooping her into my arms
“Thanks, Linds,” Ben says.
Ellie gives me an appreciative smile as Emily rests her head on my shoulder.
I carry her upstairs to the room she and Noah share when they stay at my mom’s, tucking her into the small bed. She’s so tired she doesn’t fight it. Instead, she snuggles under the covers, and I smooth my hand over her silky hair.
“There you go,” I say, pulling the quilt tight around her. “You want Jasper?”
She murmurs a “yes,” so I grab Jasper, the teddy bear she’s slept with every single night since I can remember, from the dresser and nestle him beside her.
“You want me to stay till you fall asleep?” I ask, and she nods.
I lay beside her, gently rubbing her back the way I’ve always done. When Noah and Emily were both babies, this was how I got them to sleep when they stayed with me or if I babysat them. Noah has already outgrown this type of affection, so I soak up as much of this time with Emily while I still can.
My phone vibrates in my back pocket, and my chest blooms with hope that it’s Oliver. I reach for it, careful not to disturb Emily, who’s already fast asleep. I illuminate the screen, and myheart aches. It’s Kayla checking in to see how I’m doing. I swipe over to Oliver’s text thread, which still shows my last message asreadwith no response from him. I doubt there ever will be.
A knot forms in my stomach. I ruined the best shot I ever had at love, at having the kind of happiness my mom and dad had together, all because I was too much of a damn coward to take a leap of faith. Oliver sprints into burning buildings, while I run at the first sign of trouble.
Silent tears slip down my cheeks, leaving tiny pools of regret staining the pillow. I’ve spent these last few years convincing myself I didn’t want anyone else in my life because it was easier than opening myself up to potential heartbreak. I told myself I was okay with the clinic being my baby and just being a cool aunt—that I didn’t need anyone.
And I don’t. But maybe Iwantsomeone.
Even as the thought forms in my mind, I know I don’t just wantsomeone.
I want Oliver.
But it’s too late. For all I know, he may have already moved on. Maybe there was someone waiting in the wings who already snapped him up—someone who wasn’t afraid to walk through the fire.
32
MJ
I’m in the kitchen,pouring myself a cup of tea, when Lindsey comes back from tucking Emily in. She pads into the kitchen barefoot and retrieves a glass from the cabinet.
“How’re you holding up, sweetheart?” I ask as she gets herself some water from the dispenser.
