They can be a bit much. And the lying around when you get a “flare up.”He curved his fingers as he spoke the words, his tone suggesting my fibromyalgia was about as real as Santa Claus.It’s just kind of a downer. All I’m saying is, I think if you put your mind to it, you could get past all of that.
All of that.As though I could simply positively think my way out of my grief over my father’s death and the subsequent fibro flare that followed.
OhI’d said because I was too stunned to say anything else. What are you supposed to say when someone tells you that your darkest parts are too much?
I broke up with him the next day.
I don’t know how I didn’t see it before. We had a great time together as long as things were lighthearted and fun. But if I was ever frustrated after a tough day or if I broke down after losing a patient at work, I could feel him bristle, even if we weren’t in the same room.
When I called him the morning after my father died, it was only fitting that I got his voicemail. He wasn’t available then. At least not for anythingreal.Hindsight would serve to show me he never really was.
I was witnessing the dawn of a world where my dad no longer existed, and the person I should have been able to call wasn’t there. So, instead, I watched it alone.
Back then, I was alone because I didn’t have a choice.
Now, it's because I did, and I chose wrong.
I was so scared my rough edges would be too much for Oliver. So scared I’d lose him, whether by choice or by chance, that I decided to walk away first. Because nobody can leave you if you’re already gone.
Mom told me that night Oliver was in the hospital that when it comes to love, there’s always a cost and one way or another, someone will have to pay. I thought I could avoid it by not allowing myself to get close to Oliver or anyone else. But no matter how I look at it, I still lose in the end. Whether I let someone in or not, I still pay the price. At least if I open my heart to the possibility, I’ll have something to show for it.
Oliver still hasn’t replied to the text I sent him Christmas Eve, and I can’t say I blame him after how quickly I walked away without so much as a real discussion. He didn’t deserve that.
As much as I want to believe there’s something special about my connection with Oliver, I have to accept that maybe Oliver came along to show me what was possible if I was willing to try. And maybe I’ll still be too much for the next person that comes along, but I’d rather live a life of too much than not enough.
The sun rises to kiss the horizon, blanketing everything it touches in a golden veil. The world and my mind are quiet except for the sound of my own breath.
“It’s beautiful isn’t it?” my mother asks. I was so deep in my own thoughts I didn’t even hear her come outside.
I nod, taking a sip of my coffee.
“I see you listened to me,” she says, taking a seat beside me, a steaming mug cradled in her hands.
“I do that more than you probably think I do,” I say with a chuckle.
We sit quietly for a moment, gazing up at the sky.
“You asked me something yesterday, and I didn’t answer you truthfully,” she says, finally breaking the silence.
“Oh?”
“You asked if I thought you made a mistake ending things with Oliver.” Her expression is serious as she faces me, placing her hand on my arm. “And the truth is, I do.”
I open my mouth to say something, but she cuts me off.
“Lindsey, I need to say this,” she says. “I told you that love always comes at a cost, but what I didn’t tell you is everything else. I didn’t tell you that even knowing how it would end, I’d choose loving your father every single time. Lovedoescome at a cost, and I paid dearly for it. That’s the truth. But what I gained is priceless. I got to experience the kind of love people dream about. The kind that makes you a better person and helps you get out of your own damn way.”
“Mom—”
“I know it’s scary, sweetheart. Letting someone in is a lot like feeling your way around in the dark. You can’t tell if you’re going to run into a wall or step into a bear trap. But just when you’re certain you’re going to trip and fall into a black hole, something amazing happens. Love turns the light on.” Her eyes become misty, and she covers my hand with hers. “It’ll show you colors you never knew existed and give you a chance to paint the rest of your life with them.”
“I—”
“So, yes. Idothink you made a mistake. I don’t know what the future holds or if Oliver’s even the right person for you, butwhat Idoknow is that you deserve to experience every beautiful, breathtaking, heartbreaking moment love has to offer. And you can’t do that if you don’t give it a chance. I know what happened with Daniel, and I don’t want to see you go through that again.”
“You don’t,” I cut in. “You don’t know what happened. Not really.”
She studies me, her face softening. “Tell me.”
