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He looks at me funny. So he knows I'm getting at something.
But he doesn't say no.
“Sweetheart, don't worry about Luke and Samantha. You have a lot on your plate. You can't deal with other people's problems.”
“What problems?”
“Don't tell me you've developed an interest in Luke Lawrence.”
“He's your business partner. I should at least know the guy.”
“He was flirting with you,” Ryan says.
“He was being friendly.”
“No, I saw the way he looked at you. He's interested.”
“There's no other way to look at me in that dress.”
“That's not it.”
“What does it matter? It's not like he's going to go after me if he has a girlfriend. He's probably just flirtatious by nature.” Come on, Ryan, deny this or confirm it. You know if he has a girlfriend. You know if he's with Samantha or not. Just tell me. Tell me the truth.
“Sweetheart, you know what men are like. It hardly matters if they have a girlfriend or a fiancée or a wife. Especially not with a woman as beautiful as you.”
Why does he say it like it's a weapon or a liability? You're beautiful, Alyssa, we can use that to manipulate my client. You're beautiful, Alyssa, but that means you have to fend off male advances. You're beautiful, Alyssa, and it's the only interesting thing about you.
It's never a sincere compliment. Never anything like you look beautiful tonight or even a crude you're so sexy, I want to fuck you. Never you happen to be beautiful or I enjoy looking at you because I love you. No, it's only, you're beautiful, we can use that.
“He doesn't seem like the type to cheat,” I say.
“Trust me. Everyone's the type to cheat. And you're beautiful, successful, and articulate. Girls like you are catnip to these wealthy, educated guys.”
What does that mean?
“You're over-estimating me,” I say.
“No,” Ryan says. “You should have seen the looks on people's faces when they found out we were engaged. They were mad with jealousy, wondering how I could get so lucky to have such a beautiful fiancée.”
There it is again.
You're beautiful, Alyssa, we can use that to make other people jealous.
You're beautiful, Alyssa, we can use that as a status symbol.
You're beautiful, Alyssa, and that is the only reason why I keep you around.
***
Ryan and I play rummy until work calls him
away, and he spends the rest of the night at his laptop. I watch TV for a while. He tries to make conversation during commercials, but we don't manage to get very far.
I flirt with Luke via text when Ryan isn't paying attention. I try to drop hints, to give him the opportunity to tell me about his relationship with Samantha, to tell me it's over, that he never loved her, that I am the only woman for him.
But we are far from that point, and it's not fair for me to expect anything. I am engaged to Ryan. I can't make any demands, and I shouldn't want to make any demands. This is just fun. This is just a fling. This is just a distraction for the next few weeks, to get me through the transition back to Alyssa Summers, TV actress.
I text without thinking. “I want to see you tomorrow.”
