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She nods and she scoots a little closer to me. Her eyes stay on the water, but she rests her head on my shoulder. "I had a feeling I'd fuck up the food challenge on my own, but I couldn't bring myself to call you. I kept picturing Samantha sitting there next to you, threatening to attempt suicide again if she didn't get every ounce of your attention."
"I would have been happy to step away for an hour or two."
"It would have gone the same way if we were on the phone. I would have started freaking out and hung up on you."
"Maybe not," I say.
She presses her fingers into her dress. "It's not the same when you aren't here."
"I would have come back for it."
"So then you'd owe Samantha another weekend?" Her voice gets low. "No thanks."
"It's not like that."
Alyssa presses her palms against the concrete. "What am I supposed to say--don't go see your friend who just tried to kill herself?"
"You could."
"I did." She turns away from me. "But we both knew you were going to run to her."
I run my hand through her hair. "You're much more important to me."
"Yeah, but I don't need you as much as she does. I mean, suicide attempts. How the hell am I supposed to compete with that?"
I scoot closer to her. "It's not a competition."
She brings her eyes to mine. "Isn't it?"
"No, Ally. No." I roll my shoulders back in a hopeless attempt to ease the tension in my neck. "If you tell me you need me, I'll be there. No matter what."
There's something in her eyes, but I can't place it. She looks back to the pool and kicks her feet in the water.
Her voice is a whisper. "I needed you."
"I'm here now. Tell me how I can help."
"I don't know."
I rub her shoulders. "We could do the food challenge again. I'll be your babysitter or your distracting human fuck toy."
She smirks. "Maybe." She makes circles with her legs. Tiny little circles. Then big ones. Then she kicks, sending water everywhere. "I'm sorry. I'm not good at this."
"What about this?"
"Being in a relationship."
I run my fingers over her wrist. "Yeah?"
She nods. "No one has ever really loved me. Ryan was the only person, and he... it wasn't the same. He did care about me, and he wanted to help me, but only if I could fit into my role."
"That must have been lonely."
"Yeah."
I slide my fingers over her thumb. "What about your mom?"
"She doesn't love anything except the bottle." Her voice is matter-of-fact. Like it's hopeless. Like she still can't believe someone could love her, really love her.
